I am unable to accept my appearance.

The only thing I’ve truly ever desired is to have is my ideal face. Growing up, I always worked very hard towards this goal. Despite getting picked on and treated rudely I was always an extremely hopeful person, and I was able to feel happy at times because I saw the bright future I had ahead. For some reason I had 0 doubt I would one day achieve my ideal appearance. I would fantasize about that day constantly which kept me motivated throughout every single day. I thought that how you looked was something you could earn or obtain similar to money, skills, etc. So I dedicated years of daily effort towards this goal. It got to a point where I was dedicating 5 hours every day to my appearance.

But recently, I realized that everything I’ve done was futile. I’ve developed my confidence, and I can now say I’m comfortable with and respect myself and my appearance—but it doesn’t change how I look. I know I’m unattractive, yet I struggle to accept that reality. I feel a constant disconnect. I can never truly see myself as “ugly” even though I know it objectively speaking. Every time I see my reflection, I feel a slight sense of shock, almost like it’s someone else’s face. My mind holds an image of myself that doesn’t align with what I actually see. I feel so disconnected from my body, and it’s disorienting to realize that others perceive me in this way.

The more I accept that this is my physical form the more depressed I get. I have tried to detach myself from my appearance to focus on hobbies, school, and working on my personality and knowledge. The problem is these are all fake goals I made up because I will never be able to achieve the only thing I’ve ever TRULY wanted to be. No matter how much I progress in other areas of my life I still feel just as bad. Like I don’t actually care about any of the other things I’m pursuing. I have no genuine interest in them, it’s completely forced. i want to be pretty, and if I was then I could finally move on to these other little “side quests”.

I don’t see the point in living anymore. I can barely convince myself to do anything lately. Knowing for a fact that I will never be able to experience the only thing I want to be means there’s no reason for me to be alive anymore, and that’s why I’ve been unable to accept it. Not to mention all the negative experiences that come along with being an ugly woman, which I didn’t even touch on in the post. It just sucks knowing that I will never be perceived better socially, and I can’t participate in relationships if i want to, and I will keep having to deal with negative comments from others just from walking outside. I have chronic stomach and vestibular problems as well as pain so every day I physically feel like shit like genuinely what is the point of doing anything, I can’t enjoy anything. I haven’t enjoyed anything in a really long time. Idk why I am even still actively choosing to be here, I still carry a small hope that one day I will magically appear beautiful for some reason. Lol