I want to scream

I want scream and never stop. I want to scream until my throat bleeds. And then I will keep screaming until I'm never able to make another sound again. The same people who encouraged my husband and I to have a child, who promised to be there for us forever, to be their for our son forever, washed their hands of us as soon as it became inconvenient.

"There's never a right time to have a child."

Go fuck yourself.

Did you care about my child when his father killed himself?

Did you care about my child when you kicked us to the streets 6 months later because you couldn't handle the grief of my husband's death.

Did you care about my child when we were homeless for a month and a half?

Did you care about my child when I had to put him in a charity run residency service because I don't qualify for childcare assistance, but also can't afford childcare?

Do you care about my child when Every. Single. Sunday. Night. I have to hand him back to the worker at the home, while he sobs and sobs and sobs and hiccups and clings to me, because he's 4, and autistic, and nonverbal, and he doesn't understand that mommy has to work Monday through Friday.

Do you care about my child that is growing a fear of being outside of my home, because it's the only place he knows for sure I will be?

Do you care that every time I drop him off I sit in my car for 20 minutes and cry, because I know I have no choice?

No.

But you care that he hasn't said grandma or grandpa yet.

You care that he no longer gets excited when he sees you, or the home he spent the first 3 years of his life in.

You care that his hair is getting too long.

You care that you don't see him as much as you would like.

You don't care about him. It was never about him. It was always about you.