Shamed For My Methods By The Dogmatic

Background:

I am a lifelong, multi-generational Mormon who went into a faith crisis around 5-6 months ago while studying faith promoting material and accidentally stumbling upon new (to me) information. Since then, I have spent the vast majority of my free time in a deep dive into LDS church truth claims. I have spent my "research" time approximately:

  • 20% oppositional online reading (Mormon Think, Mormon Discussions, etc.)
  • 20% oppositional podcasts
  • 20% reading online forums (Reddit, mostly oppositional)
  • 10% must-read books (Rough Stone, Manuscript Found, etc.)
  • 10% supportive apologetic reading (Mormonr, Fair, etc.)
  • 10% faith supporting podcasts
  • 5% direct source material from JS Papers
  • 5% standard works and works & teachings of latter-day prophets

For most of this journey to-date I was reading, fasting, and praying that God would answer my questions in a way that I knew came from him until about a month ago. I began to feel there was no way things could be put together into a faithful narrative while considering the facts and God wasn't providing any answers. I stepped away from the church last week for the first time in my life - not to end my spiritual journey, but rather to begin my journey for truth, wherever it may be. I haven't given up hope on the LDS church completely, but currently don't see a path that works within the church, therefore, the majority of the material I consume is oppositional.

I have kept my spouse and apprised throughout this process. I kept my Bishop involved too. I met with my EQP, a High Counselor recommended to me, and even once met with BYU Professor and JSP contributor Gerrit J. Dirkmaat (which went terribly) arranged through a mutual connection.

My Problem:

I have received nothing but utter disapproval and shame from my spouse, parents, other family members, and Dr. Dirkmaat for having spent so much of my time outside of faithful literature, source material (JSPs), the scriptures, and words of latter-day prophets. Yes, in an ideal world I would spend my time reading through every single historical document and scrap available before making such a life-altering decision. Yes, maybe I could have gone much longer in fasting, prayer, and hope that I would find answers and make sense of things. These were my original intention. But at some point the cracks in my faith shattered the cornerstone, I began to see things from an entirely new perspective that I was beforehand incapable of seeing, and everything else came crashing down. Despite the patency in the problems I have unearthed, however, I still feel the need to go through a lifelong exercise of in-depth research to ensure that I leave no stone unturned and to prove (mostly to my spouse) that I am not crazy, lazy, or misinformed in making this decision. I understand exactly how my spouse (and others) feel with me making such a momentous decision in such a short period of time (I'm sure I would have felt similarly in their shoes), but it really didn't take long to see that there were such obvious problems once things clicked and I was able to see from a new perspective.

Confusingly, I now live in a world where I feel the the need to prove that my decision is sane to people who are unwilling to attempt to take an objective view by considering that their beliefs could potentially be based on falsehoods (insane). The most painful of these relationships is with my spouse, who I love. I don't want this to drive a rift between us and think we could go our whole lives in an inter-faith marriage and be just fine. The pain in this case comes because in a recent conversation I asked my spouse if they ever think they think they would ever want or need to investigate the issues I have investigated for themselves to understand where I am coming from. My spouse, who has expressed such disdain with me while confirmed that they have no interest in ever looking into church history or investigating truth claims and would rather live in ignorance their entire life.

Has anyone else ever gone through something like this? Did your spouse (or others) shame you for not always using scholarly sources or not praying and fasting enough when researching core truth claims of the church? Did you ever feel some sort of obligation to prove your due diligence? Have you had a spouse or someone close to you express disapproval for your methods of "research" while also being unwilling to engage in any such "research" themselves? Talk to me.

TLDR

  • I'm a lifelong Mormon in a faith crisis and recently stepped away from the church
  • I spend more of my time consuming oppositional material than I do supportive material (with regard to the church and its truth claims) and mostly stopped with fasting, prayer, and scripture study about a month ago after months or not receiving any answers
  • I am being shamed by those closest to me and others for my methods of "research" in this information deep dive, yet these people are unwilling to look into or discuss these topics (mostly my spouse)
  • Have you been in this type of situation? Talk to me.