I'm incredibly self aware of my issues and it makes me feel like I'm faking everything.

I'm painfully aware of the things that make me hate my life and yet I continue to make it worse. I isolate. I keep distant. I hurt myself. I lie that everything is fine. When something that might be promising happens (making an acquaintance), instead of trying to push it and help it blossom (like reaching out) I instead listen to the illogical thoughts and retreat away--completely aware of what I'm doing--and I just can't escape it. I know everything I could be doing to be better but I do nothing instead. It makes me feel like I'm faking everything, that I'm a poser, that none of my issues are real. That I'm just a faker who doesn't need or deserve help. And I just. Can't.

So I collapse into ways to "affirm" my mental illness (maladaptive coping mechanisms) while simultaneously shoving it all away and telling myself "I'm fine. I don't need help. I need to stop pretending." or "I can't ask for help, it's all made up." or "I'm just doing it all for attention" or "I never see anyone else talk about this, so it has to be just me." or "I'm just doing this as an excuse."