Grief be hitting hard tonight, I wish I could tell you

I was driving home from work and heard a song on the radio that I hadn’t heard in awhile and it really struck a chord and unlocked some memories and emotions that were locked away for awhile. My friend was always a big music guy and loved to discover new artists and new music once released. Years ago when Halsey first came out he sent me the song “colors” and said he knew it was going to be big and that it was a beautiful track. He himself was going through a lot at the time and was deep into drugs (but at the time I didn’t know the extent or even what drugs, I thought it was just weed) we used to listen to it all the time, and now listening to it it really hits me different. He is no longer with us. He passed away in 2021 after what I suspect to be a drug overdose. Whether it was accidental and spiked with fentanyl, or he was just saying fuck it and thought he could go hard and be fine I still don’t know. (He had overdosed literally like 20 times and was proud of that fact, even bragged about it that he “couldn’t die”…..) anyway listening to it now it really just made me feel deep grief, sadness and anger. If you know the song, the line “you’re only happy when your head is filled with dope” was absolutely true at the time, dope took over and consumed him more and more to the point where it was getting hard to be around and witness. He would lie and say he was sober to me but not 5 mins later be nodding out like a mf :/ like I was an idiot or something. And then there is the line “I hope you make it til the day your 28 years old” When it came out we were 23 but when he passed in 2021, he was exactly 4 months on the dot into his 28th year of life. It’s funny how you can love a song and later realize that’s it was another example of art imitating life or maybe vice versa. We had some many good years and times, and plans for the future that will now never happen and I don’t know how to feel about it really. I feel sad and miss him so much but at the same time I’m angry as fuck that he didn’t chill out like he swore he was going too, he was doing so good for awhile and was sober but as soon as he many before him, he came back to it and did as much as he did when he was actively using and that’s what did him in, atleast that’s what I believe. He could have not actually stopped like he said since he lied about it before but I don’t know, I want to believe that he was telling me the truth at this point but again I don’t know. Addiction turns people into something else entirely and I don’t know if it was him in control or the addiction when those choices were made. The only happy thing about it is knowing he is no longer in the immense pain that he always was in, emotional, physical and otherwise.