I keep relapsing.

kept staying longer after work so I could meet a friend and smoke after partner falls asleep (I work late evenings)

I know this is scumbag behaviour

I feel like I don't want to be hiding shit like this but I can't be honest about it as smoking is not acceptable anymore in this relationship in any capacity, either I'm sober or I'm gone and that feels like a tragicly pathetic way to finish a 10 year relationship

Partner found out anyway, found loose tobacco in my trouser pocket. I haven't had anything meaningful or useful to say about it since she found out. I've just shut down.

I don't feel 'on board' with my attempt at sobriety and feel like I'm living a lie by not ever smoking, like I'm just waiting for the next time I can get away with it

feel ridiculous for writing this, I'm a 33 year old man ffs

I don't know who I am or what I want or what to do

apparently I think having an occasional smoke at midnight is more important than loving my partner. joke.