9+ year user needing support.

Hello all, I resisted this subreddit for many years. Years ago I would read this sub and get disgusted that I would even think I had a reason to quit.

So with that said: I have been addicted for at least 9 years. The last few years using has done almost nothing for me, I barely feel it and have been using it as a crutch to just sleep, eat, and get through the day. For years I have been in this mindset/mode.

The last few months I have been having cortisol rushes at night, terrible anxiety, terrible insomnia where I will wake up around 5am in a panic attack. I am almost 100% sure using has been causing this, my blood panel was nearly 100% clean and doesn't point to thyroid or other issues, the gastro says so I am 100% ok in my gut as well.

This negative feedback loop this has been causing is shocking me awake from my zombie mode.

Usually I would use right after waking. Then I would go to work and took again around noon, 2 or 3 small hits, I would use again at probably 2 or 3pm. I would go home and use one more time before leaving. When I got home I would use, when I played a video game I would use, before I ate I would use.

Typing this out now has me disgusting even thinking that this was okay for so long. Not to mention the financial issues.

I just need some help, I feel trapped, emotional by all of this. I want to escape but the withdrawal symptoms scare me. I feel like I would lose my job if I don't overcome the withdrawal symptoms as fast as possible.