Knowing that suicide is always an option gives me a lot of comfort. Am I weird? How far down that depression rabbit hole am I?

I don't have a lot to add. I'm depressed, I guess? This has been going on for decades. I don't know anymore. Am I really depressed anymore, or has it turned into something else? I hate being awake. I wake up every day in a state of shock, overcome with dread. I sleep as much as possible, but I have always had insomnia, so I only get a good night's sleep every 2-3 weeks. I snap awake as soon as I start falling asleep. I've tried medication, therapy, and jesus, but nothing has helped. I recently realized that living with my father is a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. He's emotionally and mentally abusive to me every day. I am moving out soon, which is great (I hope), but I am not expecting all my problems to magically disappear. Despite it all, I am working hard to get a good education and build a better life for myself. Why? I honestly don't know. Because it's expected of me, I guess? What do I want out of life? To be happy, of course! But we all know that "happy" isn't realistically achievable. Life is never perfect, so I guess I am aiming for something more modest, like contentment. To me, contentment would be a quiet simple life with very little stress. Not a lazy life, per se, but one where there is little or no pressure on me to do things I simply don't want, and don't need, to do.

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At this point of my life, I have spent so much time in my head that I feel I've become unrelatable to regular folks.