i have BPD. what do I do?

I know the title is very broad and vague. hear me out.

i know the thing to do is to get therapy. i see a therapist already. i’m 20F. i feel like i need more. like a PHP or IOP. I begged and begged my parents to let me take a semester off from college and support me while i go to PHP or IOP. they said no, i have to either get a full time job and support myself, or go to college.

I don’t want to go to college. I wasn’t able to make any friends. I feel like i am so shitty to be around because of this disorder and nobody likes me or cares for me because of it. I’m a walking black hole and I suck all the joy out of everything. I hate being this way and I want help. I don’t want to be this way anymore. and i had no motivation even when i went in with a good attitude last semester. now, i don’t even want to do my specific major anymore. i’ve lost all confidence, all interest in it, all the joy. but i can’t change because id lose my scholarship. so, if i go, i’ll be doing something i dont wanna do, suffering, missing class, everyone will judge me, i’ll let my professors down, i’ll be isolated, won’t have any friends, no motivation, no happiness. basically the way i am now but with additional pressure and responsibilities.

I’m seriously considering inpatient. like, residential. I have trauma from an abusive residential treatment facility that overmedicated me (800mg seroquel in the MORNING and tons of other medications i don’t remember. too many to count. terrible side effects.) and used a level system, basically just your run of the mill TTI facility. will inpatient help me? how do i know i can trust them? god. i feel so lost. but i’m struggling with suicidal thoughts. because my family doesn’t care or understand, i’m all on my own. mg only options are school, full time job and my own place, or residential. no way i can find an apartment and a job in a week. so that one may not even be possible.

what should i do? what are some good residential treatment facilities for BPD? would this even help me if i have trauma from residential? help. please. i’ve prayed to god to help me and he hasn’t done anything. I live in arkansas by the way. i’m sure i could go to neighboring states like tennessee and missouri. but i dont even know if good facilities exist there. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i’m screaming and crying like a baby every day because i’m so scared for my future and i’m sick of just being the walking embodiment of misery and scaring everyone off and making everyone uncomfortable and hurting the people who love me. i want to change. i want to change so bad.