Blank mind, anhedonia, hell
The only thing I value at the moment is my mother
She would be crushed if I was to commit suicide, that is why I can't do it and must try to find solutions to feel something and to find some sort of mission to live.
I do feel like my life is always going to be hell. I feel less to no hope, but I have a plan now of activities to do that might help.
Reading 30 minutes a day
Playing little brain games 30 minutes a day
Seeing with a friend if we will go to tennis
Walking the dog with the dog group we have now at 10 o clock in the morning
And then again at 4 pm, like walking a bit like 15 minutes at least
Journaling a bit in the morning if I can and in the end of the day detailing everything that happened on the day
Giving up on Instagram
Eating healthy, not smoking or drinking
I will buy a tdcs machine called flow, that stimulates the prefrontal cortex and might help
I will also buy lion mane, magnesium, vitamins, oxytocin, dlpa and cbd to take as supplements and see if it helps on my cognition and emotions.
I will schedule a consultation with a neurologist, explaining that I for the most of my life I feel like, I can't think spontaneously, like a blocking of thoughts, can't feel, I have bad word retrieval, I forget things seconds after I made them, I have almost no memories of my childhood, and I have bad memories of life events in general, I have difficulties in visualizing. And that is making me feel incapacitated of living my life. I also have trouble sleeping and staying a sleep. Also when I was a child, I have many headaches like all the time and they were strong, at the time I did a MRI and the doctor said something about I had a lot of fluid but I would grow out of that. Maybe I didn't, maybe I have functional problem with my brain, specially in the limbic system, and that I wanted to have some exams if possible, like spect or pet scan, or Fmri or egg, to make sure everything is good so I can't focus on a solution and on a way out. And If something is broken I want to know to see my options.
I feel like mostly doctors end up not valuing what we say, like of course you have thoughts, like obviously you can feel, instead of seeing what is wrong with people. Especially now that like it is actually quite easy to prove.
So that is my plan, what do you guys think? Any other ideas? Btw I'm already in therapy. Not that it is working great but I'm trying.