My problems begin when I get out of bed.

In bed, I'm indulged in dreams where I live a non-existent life. Sometimes it isn't a desired life. It can be real life, but there's less effort to simply walk and talk. Sometimes it's a desired life where I'm hiking through mountains instead of in a boring college sucking my soul away.

Then I wake up and stare at the ceiling, basking in the warmth of my comforter. I forget about my problems when I first wake up. I forget that I'm a hair from failing one of my classes. I forget that I need to study for final exams. I forget all the obligations I have and will have throughout college. I forget that I'm unhappy.

As soon as I step out of bed, the weight of gravity pushes down on me harder than ever. Half my energy is already drained, like a deteriorating phone battery. When you turn it on, thirty minutes later it's at 50%. When I sit down to start my school work, the feeling of sleepiness fades in. It takes a lot more effort to stay awake than to simply stand.

Instead of studying and completing assignments, I end up watching videos on nature, hiking, the deep sea, etc. I end up staying in my dorm and not talking to people. Most talking I've done this week was with a girl in a library, who told me that if I'm not satisfied with my life, I should follow my heart and go elsewhere. She was planning to pause schooling and join the military since she too felt like college wasn't for her.

But it isn't easy for us schizoids. We can have plenty of other places to go. I could go work trade, I could go into the Navy, but do I want to? Do I want to be a cog in the machine? To participate in a clock? I want to do nothing but sit in a tent at this point. I'd rather worry about an animal eating me than getting mistreated by people. I'm tired of trying to cling into a system not suitable for me.

Each day I wake out of bed, I'm in an environment where my sole purpose is to try and fit in. To do work and study so I can succeed. To make connections with people I don't wanna connect with to get a higher chance of job acceptance. That's the one of the reasons everyone has to get out of bed, but for me, that reason's been dead. Long gone.

So what now? I have no point in trying anymore. There's nothing in this society for me. For a while I never understood why some people married trees, but now I'm starting to. Nature is more interesting than humans. There are species that I never knew existed in the ocean. And no, I don't want to try to find a career in what I love. I hate the word 'career.' It's a death trap of the mind to associate passion with work.

But maybe it's different for everyone.

TL;DR: I forget my problems in my dreams, I forget my problems when I wake up. As soon as I get out of bed, the problems come rushing in. I remember the things I have to do, the obligations, the things I should and need to do. All I want is to go wandering, to go traveling and leaving everything behind. I want to live in a tent sometimes in a forest. I don't have goals compatible with this society anymore. I don't have interest in humans to want to participate in society. I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I want to exit. If we echizoids are an observer in society, then I want to go full force and become a ghost.