Aasa pa rin ako

To Andrei,

Hindi ko alam if mababasa mo ito but if you happen to stumble upon this, know that this is everything that I want to say to you but hindi ko masabi.

Simula nung nag-break tayo last November, things were never the same. Everyday was a struggle para sa'kin. There are times na nag-uusap tayo na parang tayo pa rin at may mga araw naman na ako ang pinakamumuhian mong tao. Gaya mo, nalilito rin ako sa kung ano nga ba tayo nung mga panahong yun. I still say our I love yous and I miss yous but you don't reply to them kasi sabi mo you're still confused. Hinayaan kita kasi alam kong may pagkakamaling nangyari. My mental health was greatly affected by our situation that I went back to taking my medication. I was hurting both mentally, physically, and emotionally.

January came, I thought I'll get through this situation by focusing myself on other things. They did help, especially with the help of my friends who saw my state. They told me I look different, I lost that joy in my face. Well, I did lose it the moment I lost you.

I left messages for you to read - my vulnerable thoughts, emotions, and everything. But you never replied. That was like a sharp knife stabbing me. I was so distraught that I decided to unfriend and unfollow you everywhere na we're connected. I know sobrang hirap kong ginawa yun kasi umiiyak ako habang ginawa ko yun. Akala ko makakatulong sa'kin yun na hindi ka maisip pero lalo lang akong nahirapan.

Last time we talked, I asked you if may chance pa ba tayong ayusin ang lahat kasi I can't lose you and I don't want anybody else. You still answered that you still need time to think things through. For the last time, hahayaan kita makuha yung oras na yun kahit gustong-gusto na kita makausap, mayakap, at mahawakan. Ang dami kong gustong i-kwento sa'yo, ang dami kong gustong sabihin, at ang dami kong gusto sana nating gawin, yung mga pangako nating gagawin sana ngayong taon. Pero sa ngayon, ibibigay ko muna itong oras na ito para makapagisip. Hindi kita aabalahin o kung ano man.

Sana bago dumating ang Feb. 15 ay nakapag-decide ka na sa kung ano ba talaga gusto mo para sa'tin kasi for me, I still want to, I still want you. If it means starting over again, I am willing to. I still want to fix things with you over and over again.

Kahit maliit yung chance, kahit nasa below 1% yan, kakapit pa rin ako. The chance may be small but a chance is a chance. And I'll be more than happy to take that risk just to make things right again between us.

Mahal kita parati at araw-araw.

Love, Ren