My Last Letter To You

To my dearest bub,

This might be the last time I'll be sending you a message. I just want to try and move forward with things as it's not healthy for me anymore. I'm not expecting any reply or response from you, but I think we already both know the answer to my questions yesterday. I want to say thank you. For everything. For putting up with me, for loving me, and understanding me. For being the best thing I ever had, more than anyone in my life. I'm sorry for what happened to us. Maybe this is the punishment I deserve for what I did, for what happened to us.

I'll try to move forward starting today but know that no one can replace you, not after all the things we have been through together. It might take months or even years, but if you want to come back, I would still accept you wholeheartedly. Because it has always been you. It will always be you.

And if not, I would still accept our fate wholeheartedly. Because at the end of the day, the fact remains the same - you brought out the things I never knew I could have, both good and bad, like no one else did.

I knew from the moment we last met and the way we talked and cherished those last moments together, at the back of my head, I bitterly accepted that I could no longer call you my own, that I already lost you. I was the reason why things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. I was the sole reason why we can no longer be together.

The thoughts haunt me and will continue to do so. I am hurting and frustrated. I destroyed what we had. How will I handle the fact that I can no longer have you back in my life?

I lost the person who accepted, cared, and loved me the most. Now, I have to move on and handle the truth that I was the reason why all this happened. And I have to let you go and that last glimmer of hope I have.

Hindi ko alam paano ako uusad sa nangyari sa'tin. Siguro alam ko naman talaga, sadyang ayaw ko lang.

I don't want to move on from you or from us. Ayaw kong mawalay sa'yo.

But I have to. I need to.

Now, I just wish you to be happier and to be healthier. Knowing that you're getting the peace of mind you wanted and the love you get from others is enough for me, even though I want it to be me. But I can't be that selfish anymore, not to you.

All I wanted to hear from you was a response from yesterday. A sign that there might still be a chance for us, but the fact that I received no answer, no response from all the things I sent is already an answer. And I won't push you any more to give it, because deep down I know, you no longer want to have anything tied with me. I can't be friends with you, even though you insist on having that, knowing that I am still deeply in love with you. Maybe this is for the best. You go on with your life because you are far stronger than I am, and I am happy that you are exploring things. I'm just sad I can no longer be with you every step of the way, trying new things, exploring different places, and making new memories. The dreams we have together are now going to be memories that I will forever treasure. I hope you can make new dreams for yourself and the person who will see you and take care of you far better than I did.

Before I bid my farewell, I just want to say this again and again until I get used to the fact that I will no longer hear it from you.

I love you, bub. Always.

Take care always and be strong.

I love you always, Andrei.

Goodbye.