What I thought was PA fpr 15+years may not have been PA
25 year marriage ended in 2007. Sons were 14 and 20 at the time. Each was embarking on a new life journey as well, younger one starting high school, older one starting life on his own...by 2010, each had began the slow and systematic pulling away, ghosting, etc. I knew my ex-wife was unhappy. She had a good life, noting to complain about (This is where the usual gang of bitter boozehags will ALWAYS find fault with my words - I don't care) She had a good life, but we knew the jealous neighbours/coworkers/relatives/frenemies were whispering into her ear on how life would be better on her own. So she cheated, ended it, and we both moved on.
The man she cheated with turned out to be an abusive scammer, mooching off her, living in her house, and hit her more than once. She then had similar men rotating in and out of her life until she met and married a retired hockey player, and appears to be happy.
Of course, while that was going on, I had moved on with my life and also met too many ladies who were the cause of THEIR divorce (truth eventually comes out) until I too married and have never been happier.
Meanwhile, my sons moved on with their lives, and I began to see and hear from them less and less and less. I blamed my narcissistic ex and her mind games. I asked my sons what it was that they were so upset about that they were ghosting me. I never got a straight answer or any answer.
I accepted the situation, chalked it up to "she won, I lost, I can't fight this anymore, moving on".
I started to click on PA posts on TikTok when they came up during my night time surfing. Then something else happened.
I began to see post after post of millennials and GenZ who were posting about going No Contact with their parents. NC with parents who did nothing wrong.
These generations we raised, they don't see the value of maintaining contact with the parents who raised them. I googled this the amount of literature is astounding.
This doesn't mean YOUR situation fits this profile, but maybe for others, there my be relief that it wasn't anything you did.
I now understand that my ex-wife also doesn't see my sons as often as I thought she did.
I think there was another paradigm shift in parent/child relationships. We raised our kids the way we wished our parents had raised us. That was our mistake. We respected our parents. Our kids don't have that respect because we were their buddies, not authoritarian figures.
Everyone got a medal. No homework. No discipline. Children ran the household with THEIR wants and needs.
And here we are, lamenting about the loss of our kids, when in fact, we were the authors of our own misfortune.
Below is an example:
Experts report that we may be in an epidemic of parental estrangement.
Millennials have mostly rejected using fear as a parenting strategy.
The generation who grew up afraid of their parents ended up afraid of being estranged from their children.
I know PA is real and it sucks. But maybe for some of us, neither parent is guilty. It just was part of this phenomenon.
I would love to hear your thoughts.