My therapist is lowkey transphobic

(Ftm sub didn’t let me post because it’s too long. But I appreciate any advice)

Hi guys, to give a bit of a background on my current situation, I am pre-everything and 20. I currently live with my parents and am under their care. Last October, I had an identity crisis and sometime later recalled heavy childhood trauma. Since then, I have had about four therapists up until my current therapist, who have all in one way or another treated my cptsd and dissociation disorder.

Their help has been profound, throughout my journey of healing all of these months, my identity crisis became more and more difficult to ignore. I fully accept myself right now. I know I am transgender and I know I am a man and I will transition. BUT my self acceptance was made difficult by my chronic dissociation, my healing, my family making me feel like it’s phase”, and my current therapist.

My current therapist has been treating me for a month now and while she has helped me with my dissociation and my cptsd, she has made it so difficult to accept myself, pulling doubt into my head and making unnecessary rude comments. She says that I am immature and has made a stubborn reading of me. She believes that my identity is an escape from my trauma. She says that my discomfort with my body is also because of my trauma.

I was patient with her and actually considered her reasoning. I did extremely uncomfortable exercises of “being one with my body” and having 100% conscious naked mindfulness. In the shower, when getting ready, in the mirror. What I found after these exercises and further proved my gender identity as a man, was that the more i was mindful with my body and solved any relationship with my body broken by my trauma, I felt more and more gender dysphoria. My gender dysphoria is so horrible that I can’t talk, my smile makes me dysphoric, laughing, obviously showering, even going to the restroom.

The comments that have irked me the most: -“remember that while you may transition, biology will always be there” wtf i mean why say that? I know that and it hurts daily.

-“there’s a difference between sexuality and gender” duh as if i didn’t know that. It seems she thinks I don’t know anything about being trans. eye roll

-one time I spoke to her of Elliot Page and she deadnamed him all the time.

she’s called me a “beautiful woman” and seems to think that by complimenting my female side that I will randomly feel like a cis woman lol. She makes these compliments each session several times. But if she knows i don’t feel like a woman, why make them?

-she says “us women and our hormones” she seems to have no consideration how i may feel being called a woman and it’s obvious she seems me as a woman.

• she says I have “body dysmorphia” i think it’s funny how she confuses it with dysphoria, I don’t think she understands what she says despite her saying that she had trans patients in the past.

When I told her about not liking my “females When I told her about not liking my “female attributes” because they gave me gender dysphoria and made me uncomfortable. She got all excited and said “because of your trauma” which is completely untrue. It’s because of my crippling gender dysphoria. but when I try to argue that she says “well we’re in a process” and shuts down any means for me to talk about my gender dysphoria or my identity.

She made my acceptance with my identity 10,000 times harder and I genuinely do not look forward to our sessions. I no longer want to talk to her at all about my identity, I don’t feel comfortable with talking about it with her even.

I honestly don’t know if I should keep her. She is kind in general, she is good at treating my dissociation and my trauma but that is all. I also wish I had a gender therapist, someone who understands me and sees me for who I am.

Should I keep her and just not talk about my identity?

How do I respond to her when she shuts down my identity?

I get nervous and dissociate and forget how to reply. What makes it worse is that my parents respect her opinion and when I complain and tell my mom sometimes i wish i had a gender therapist she says “oh why? So that they’ll fill you with hormones without any consultation?” They’re also paying for her, because I live under their care and chronic depression and dissociation have affected my mental health and ability to do much before the past months.

Sorry for the long paragraphs. I feel like all information was needed to create a full picture.

TLDR: my therapist has been treating me for my dissociation disorder and cptsd but when I they to talk of my identity she is lowkey transphobic and makes it harder for me to accept myself. I don’t like talking to her about my identity but she is a “good” therapist otherwise. Should i keep her for her help and ignore her chips about my identity? How can i defend myself against her?

Thanks for reading.