2E daughter told us she likes nothing about herself

I’m posting this from a throwaway account because I really don’t want personal details like this tied to my main account. Thanks for understanding, and I apologize in advance for how long this post is.

Our daughter, who’s 8 years old (let’s call her Jane), was diagnosed with ASD three years ago. Last year, we had her re-evaluated, and along with the ASD diagnosis, she was also identified as gifted. Before I dive into the heart of the issue, let me give you some background to set the stage.

We do our best to keep Jane’s mind engaged because she’s always craving stimulation. She’s involved in lots of activities like rock climbing, swimming, gymnastics, and dance. She’s also tried her hand at various skill-based classes: cooking, pottery, painting, even hairdressing. On the tech side, she’s into games like Minecraft, Storyteller, The Sims, Overcooked, and It Takes Two. On top of all that, we encourage her to tackle more challenging subjects at home, like advanced reading, math, geography, and various STEM topics.

Socially, Jane seems to be doing well. She has several friends at school and in our neighborhood, and while she occasionally comes to us with small complaints, she generally gets along with people just fine. Her school knows about her diagnosis and is really proactive in providing the support she needs. Outside of school, we’ve been working with an occupational therapist to help with sensory issues (most of which are now under control) and a speech therapist because Jane has said she doesn’t like her "cartoon voice," as she calls it. She also attends group therapy sessions with other autistic kids, which help her build social skills and work on emotional regulation.

Last night, Jane came to us with some typical school complaints, and we talked her through them. But then, out of nowhere, she broke down and told us that she "didn’t like anything about herself." This obviously alarmed us.

When we asked her what we could do to help her feel better, she said three things: she wanted the hair on her legs gone, she wanted color in her hair, and she wanted to be thinner.

Jane does have more body hair than most kids her age, but she’s never brought it up before. As for hair dye, she’s mentioned it in passing, but we’ve never seriously discussed it. And when it comes to her weight, she’s completely healthy; she eats well, extremely active, and is right where she should be for her age.

We tried to reassure her, gently explaining that she doesn’t need to be thinner, that everyone is different and that this is okay, and we reminded her of all the things that make her special and loved. Since this seemed like it might be due to peer pressure, we tried asking if anything was happening at school. But as far as we can tell, there’s nothing major going on, and since she doesn’t have access to the internet and we meticulously monitor the media she consumes, it’s unlikely this is coming from outside influences.

This morning, Jane seemed more like herself, but I’ve already booked an appointment with a pediatric psychologist. Her first session is scheduled for next week. In the meantime, my wife suggested taking some immediate steps to help boost Jane's self-esteem; things like removing the hair from her legs, letting her get her hair done how she wants, and having grandma take her shopping for new shoes and clothes. When we brought this up to Jane, she said it would make her feel happier and more confident.

While I support my wife's suggestions, I am torn about how to handle this. On one hand, I think kids should be able to express themselves and have generously reasonable say over their appearance, especially if it helps their self-esteem. I grew up in a pretty strict household, so I want Jane to feel like she has more freedom than I did. On the other hand, I worry that introducing more grown-up self-care routines at her age might end up making these insecurities worse instead of better.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Aside from therapy, what worked to help your kid feel more confident in themselves? I’d really appreciate any advice or insight you can share. Thank you in advance, and again sorry for the novella.