Does anyone else feel like this?

Whenever I decide to keep space away from the person I am anxiously attached to I tend to get be wishy washy in my emotions. Sometimes I feel free and content (the secure feeling i like to call it, not hyperfocusing etc) but then I see them and boom anxiety and im hyperfocusing a bunch, then the anxiety and sadness comes along.

I then distance myself but it makes me feel worse per say because we aren't hanging out as much as I would like to. I tend to look super sad and down. They would reach out to me and when they do I feel superior in a way and I would continue to ignore them because I know they'll come running/notice me (giving me the attention i want)

This sounds so toxic and I feel really bad about it but it makes me feel wanted if i were to describe it. I ignore them because the anxiety rises when i see them, honestly i hate this crap