ranting

I'm going to just vent everything. I need a close best friend so I can tell everything to without judgment. I know I can spend so much money on a therapist. I've seen one for a while but it's not the same having someone to drink and cry or watch sad movies together. I live in a town away from my hometown. I moved here for work before even meeting my boyfriend. I have close friends but it's not the same as someone present versus talking on the phone. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on 4 years now. I've always been told your significant other should be your best friend, but he's not my best friend. Everything I do or act when I'm drunk; I get criticized or he is embarrassed around his friends and family. I suffer from depression after my mom passed away 2 years ago. My mom was my best friend. I told her everything to no end. After she passed, I took the responsibility for my baby brother and I knew I can push through for 1 1/2 while he was in college. Mind you this, my boyfriend share no responsibility. We don't live together or share bills. Even though he came to help me clean the house. The first comment he made was, this is all you did. I was so upset because do you know how hard it is to look at everything that reminds of that person. He said no. He took my depression so light-hearted. I couldn't be on anti-depressants because he didn't want me to depends on drugs. I told him there is a difference on anti-depressants and pain killers. When we go out drinking, I guess I'm an alcoholic chasing that saddest away. I, lowkey, don't like how I am when I'm drinking in front of people. I just want to dance my feelings away without a care in the world. I have be on my best behavior for people when I'm not even comfortable in certain social settings. His family and friends can get messed up and do stupid shit. But I'm not allowed too. I've taken care of everyone when they are shitf*ced. I have wiped them, showered them, changed their clothes, and feed them. Why can't I be the one get taken care of for the time being? His friends' significant loves drama. Which I can't handle, I'm no longer friends with that group. He blames me for not getting along with the females. I said my group of friends are the ones that will party in pjs and go to the clubs in pants and t-shirts. Not the dolled up mess. I learned to dress better and how to apply make up hanging out with them.

I know I'm broken but I'm really trying so hard. But I have really bad thoughts. I haven't done that because all I can think of is my baby brother alone in the world with no family. I tried to break up with my boyfriend because I know I'm not getting better with him degrading all the time. He said there is no such thing as a break up. A couple of months, I had an ovarian cyst burst. I was in pain for 48 hours. He was yelling at me because I didn't take of myself. I didn't know my result until several days later. I asked him to take me to the ER. I was there for 5 hours but didn't get seen. My painkillers were wearing off so we went home. I called every place for a CT scan. I found a city 2 towns over to get a CT scan. That's how I got my results on top that I have another one that is leaking. The problem was the next day was his birthday party, I was trying to skip it. He was getting mad like are you really going to be like that. It's my birthday. I went to the party. I just drank casually so I wouldn't feel the pain. I didn't bother talking to him and let him have his fun with his friends and family. Afterwards, I was struggling to find an ob/gyn for 2 weeks. My boyfriend went on vacation with his sister and brother in law while I'm still dealing with the pain and results. He came back not even asking how is my pain or results. He blames me for not telling him anything.

I'm the type to not bother anyone with anything because I don't like to be dependent. I learned not to depend on him through this relationship too. He said I just need to do better since his family will be my family but they hate me already. That's why I'm no longer invited to family function. I just laughed asking did you tell them anything like when your parents asked about mine one month after my mom passed away. The answer is no. Did you let know about my cysts bursting? The answer is still no. I'm done. I've been on my best behavior. He said if I don't change then everyone will hate me. I said I'm okay being alone in the world. It's better to be alone than feeling worst for someone approval. I still have friends and family that loves me even though they are not in this town. I can always move. I can always find another job. I have a degree, savings, military benefits, and able body.