Today is my 20th anniversay of getting tinnitus

I got it on the 4th of July. From a firecrack that went off close to my left ear (it was my fault).

I started journaling recently and ended up writing a bit about it. I figured it was worth sharing. Maybe someone can get something out of it.

Here we go:

Today is the 20 year anniversary of getting tinnitus. I've had it more than half my life. Overall, I think I've managed it well. My suffering from it ebbs and flows. When I'm stressed it gets louder and my emotional reaction to it gets worse. As the stress fades, so too does the level of suffering.

I've found some amount of mindfullness helps. Trying to observe it, and my thoughts and emotions to it, dispassionately. That's the same strategy that seems to work when my shoulder pain flairs up.

I won't say I've conquered it. I still have bad, near overwhelming spells of anger and sadness and distration from it. But, I have come a long way. And I have enough experience of good periods to know that if I just weather the bad times, I'll get to the other side.

When I first got it, I had fantasies of reaching this enlightened state where my own control of my mind or sense of fortitude would effectivley vanquish my suffering from it. That the sound would recede to near imperceptability and I would view it as a "forged in fire" kind of experience that forced me to grow into a better, more resilient version of myself. A quest fit for a greek hero.

That ended up being, like so many daydreams, a fantasy. But, it did give me a narrative to get through the intial dark days. And even if I didn't come out on the other side wholly transformed, I did learn to cope and endure the challenging times.

IDK, maybe that was the transformation. I just didn't expect it would feel like I'm still so much myself. I envisioned a maturing. A hardening. A growth that would make prior versions of myself look like a stranger or a lost child. It turns out the transformed version of me is largely the same, but with some acceptance and resignation built int.

I didn't win my fight with tinnitus. I didn't wrestle it to the ground, or stare it down, or dominate it. I went limp. I stopped fighting. And in doing so, I took away its power. Not all of it. It still gets the better of me from time to time. But enough to reclaim a normalcy in my life I wasn't sure I'd ever get back.

Tinnitus isn't fair. Life isn't fair. But that's okay. There's many forces in this life greater than I am. Tinnitus is one of those. Accepting that allows me to redirect my thoughts and energy to stuff that I can control and which brings me joy.

Congrats, and good job making it it this far. Here's to another 20.