i failed (22f)

summary: i got to my destination, made it 2 hours, and called it quits.

i always thought i was cut out for this. my parents both solo traveled and my dad solo backpacked south america in the 90s. i did a solo trip working and living in a hostel in athens about 3 years ago and it was the best experience of my life. one night while i was there i was SAd. it shockingly didn’t ruin my trip, but i still think about it often.

now: i just graduated college with a degree that has a really desperately high need where i live. i am half mexican, and have been going to mexico my whole life. this past september i was diagnosed with ptsd from a different experience, and it affects my life quite heavily.

i decided to solo do a workaway at a ranch on the yucatán in mexico (middle of nowhere jungle). i was exited, but from the moment i got here i can’t stop thinking about “what if” something happens. ain’t a hostel in the city anymore. if i needed help i wouldn’t be able to leave or call anybody. when i arrived i thought there would be other people, but there werent any other volunteers. just two people who live here, both 20 years older than me. i would also be sharing a home with an older man with no lock on my door. the man took me for a walk through the jungle and brought his machete- i just felt so helpless.

as soon as i got back to my room i freaked the fuck out, walked a kilometer with my suitcase to the nearest road, and left. i feel so stupid. i solo traveled Europe and i loved it- now in mexico, a country where im a dual citizen and speak the language, i just can’t. i’ve been panicking for hours. my dad told me that my boyfriend called him and they are both worrying a lot about me. did i just run from the best experience of my life?

i booked myself a night in a hostel in the nearest city to think. i live in the bronx and my roommates, boyfriend, and father are all telling me that they want me to come home- but i feel like such a failure doing that. i have a friend in vegas who invited me to stay with her while i think. i have family in central mexico i could visit, but i don’t speak with my mother and she lives with them.

i don’t know if i’ve changed, my circumstances, or if maybe this just isn’t for me anymore.

EDIT: i’ve been in remote mexico before and i’ve used machetes to clear terrain previously- i understand it’s not the same here than the US. at this place specifically it just felt like something was so fucking wrong. i also told them i was leaving and thanked them before walking out.

UDATE: Thank you so much to everyone who read and replied to my post, it truly means a lot and has helped me tremendously. I can’t describe how validating it is! I decided to go to Vegas and stay with a trusted friend here to clear my mind a bit and really think about what’s next. I want to not rush into another opportunity just for the sake of it, and I’ve visited her enough times out here that it feels like a second home. We are heading to Zion next week!

I also reached out to my therapist for meeting. I have had a therapist for a while but struggle to open up, and this has been an eye opening experience that I need to put in the work.

To everyone who recommended many places in Mexico, I appreciate your recommendations! I agree that Mexico was a “bold” choice from the start, but I normally feel very safe in Mex, which is why I chose it over South America from the start. As aforementioned I have family in Mex and have been visiting my whole life. I have traveled much of the country, but have mainly stayed in CDMX, Querétaro, Michoacán and Guerrero. My family has a ranch in remote Michoacán, so I guess the idea of volunteering in a different remote ranch in a safer state of Mexico didn’t feel too “bold” in planning. Mexico is beautiful and I still highly recommend it to any solo traveler!

At the end of the day I am trying to remind myself that I am young and still have a lot to learn in life. I appreciate all your kind words, and I am trying to change this into a learning experience. The reviews did not match the location and I need to trust that I saw clear red flags like my scared taxi driver, the owner texting me that he was there and ready to greet me then being finding out he was in CDMX, being lied to about the sleeping arrangements, and having the address change minutes before I got into my taxi. Although I have PTSD, I don’t have panic attacks. I need to trust that having one (I think?) was a clear sign of my gut telling me to leave. I will never know if it was right or wrong, but am trying to not beating myself up about it. Yes, my mental health diagnosis induces unwarranted fear, but you all reminded me that fear is good sometimes. Thank you all!