Coming to terms with my younger self's experiences

Hey, guys, This post might sound stupid and I know it will because if someone told me what I'm about to write, I would absolutely tell them that it was assault, but I really don't know how to feel about a lot of my sexual encounters as a young adult. The first time I was exposed to sex, I was a 14 year old freshman in highschool dating a 16 or 17 year old boy. We dated for a while and loved each other. We would often sneak out to a spot in the neighborhood to make out and touch. Well one day he told me he wanted to try intercourse. I told him I didn't want to, and he guilted me into trying to anyway. To keep it short and sweet, I was too small, and it wasn't working out. I didn't want that and was scared when it was happening and so relieved when it didn't work. I broke up with him for different reasons some months later and found out some years after that he had been telling friends and family that he broke up with me because I was trying to pressure him into sex. Talk about subconscious guilt. We were dating, so I never considered sexual acts with a partner to even be able to be labeled as non-consentual. I just thought I should have expected it since he was older.

The first time I had actual penitrative intercourse was at 16. I was working at my first job with a number of different people of all backgrounds and ages. Well, I was 16 and had a crush on a 23 year old coworker. He had just moved into town from Houston, just got out of prison, and was a total partier. Being 16, I thought the age difference was hot and complimenting of my maturity. He noticed I had a crush on him and invited me to a party. I was SO excited. At the party was my first time drinking, getting drunk, getting blackout drunk, and having penetrative sex. I remember while at the party the guy I was into left to get food. His friend was talking to me, claiming that this guy had already informed everyone that I was off limits and his that night. I thought it was so cool. Being the youngest at a party, passing the blunt with 20 year olds. This sexual relationship went on for I want to say a year. There was no emotions or relationship allowed, and it was just me being called for a hookup when he wanted it. It got to the point where he would sneak into my bedroom window at night, and we'd do it on the floor to not wake my parents. Sex from him was my 17th birthday present. I always thought of it as like an achievement. I'd talk about this relationship later in my adult years, only to be informed of the extreme power balance and manipulation. Now I know I was being taken advantage of, but I also wanted it, too? I think?

Then there was a time at a different food industry job when I was 17. I wasn't seeing the other guy anymore, and I had a really cute coworker that would flirt with me. Any sort of attention thrown at me I took in strides because I have terrible self-esteem and am shocked when people enjoy my company. This flirting progressed to photos. Then, the photos progressed to intercourse. He never actually told me his age, but I honestly thought he was around the same age because of his super young face. The first time I saw him without his hat on was at his house before we began. He was balding pretty bad up top, and red flags were going off in my head. While it was happening, I remember his skin feeling leathery and how gross it was. I later found out that he was 33. I'm now 30, and he's still the oldest person I have had intercourse with. It was traumatizing. To make it worse, apparently, his ex-wife worked there and was a manager. She called HR on me for sending photos to a co-worker and sexually shamed me publicly. And he shared those photos with our coworkers. I have only associated guilt and shame with the encounter since I was willing to have intercourse too and I sent those photos. But I had no idea of his age or relationship. These were my first experiences with sexual relations, and I never thought too much about them until recently. I was just thrown around as an idolized fetish doll amongst perverts. It's still hard for me to conceptualize that all of these instances are SA. But maybe it was less consensual than I thought. I'd like to know as an outsider reading this, if this is actual SA or if I'm just as much at blame and am just trying to feel better about myself?