My 12 year old boy passed yesterday

I’m just beside myself.

He had been sick for a while, vet assumed hairball/constipation related, but his bloods showed pancreatitis and really high liver levels. She ordered an ultrasound just to make sure.

The whole night before/morning of, I just felt this huge sense of dread… like something awful was about to happen. I gave him a big hug and kiss like I always do, and got him a new toy and bed for when he’d get home.

Until the nurse called with her voice trembling, I just knew the news would be bad. But I didn’t expect for them to find a massive gallstone that was close to rupturing, and spleen cancer. They told me to come down as we need the say goodbye.

This is my first morning without him, and it’s just so strange. He didn’t wake me up 4 times during the night, or sleep on my pillow, or wake me up by laying on my chest or scratching the end of the bed. I keep looking at his food bowls and litterbox and just feeling shell shocked.

He was my first cat. I’m 32 now, and I got him when I was 20. He was always so sick but I just never imagined he’d be ripped away from me so suddenly. I feel so lost with a grief I’ve never felt before, even when my dad died.

I miss my friend and my routine and this is just so so hard. I don’t want to have to grieve him, I just want to kiss his little head again.

I just don’t know what to do with myself expect cry and look for him through the house. It still feels like he should be here.

Thank you for reading.