I relapsed and I genuinely didn’t even want to I feel like my mind has me hostage

I feel so much regret and I’m so ashamed and angry with myself. My bf is going to come home and want to cuddle and to be intimate and when he finds out I have new scars and wounds he’s going to be so worried and want me to open up about it, he cares about me so deeply but I just don’t have the energy anymore to express how I feel bc I just don’t care anymore about myself. I know he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt myself and wants what’s best for me , but I just don’t even want to talk about it bc I know nothing is going to help, I’ve tried everything in the books to try and make myself healthy and happy but my brain just simply doesn’t want me to. Even when I’m happy there’s always the thought of self harm. Always. Even when I don’t want to it feels like I’m being forced by something else and is holding myself hostage. I don’t want to be like this. I hate being in pain. But at the same time it fuels me. I hate it so much. I feel like I deserve it bc of how I look. I don’t feel beautiful enough ever. I know I’ll never feel gorgeous no matter how many times I lie to myself in the mirror , no matter if I starve or binge I’ll never be the weight I want. It’s genetics and I can’t change that. And I hate it. I hate me so much but I don’t even want to die anymore I just want the brutal pain to end. I want the thoughts to stop.