My dad broke my iPad out of anger.

I know it sounds a little like a "you deserved it" kind of situation at first but let me explain.

I'm basically raised in an asian household, so grades were quite a priority for my parents. And I previously made an agreement with my dad that if I managed to top my class again (or at least be on the top 3), I would have an iPad or a display tablet so I can temporarily pursue my digital artist career.

Then, I actually managed to do what I promised, and my dad also kept his word of the deal. He bought me an iPad 8th gen and he told me to use it also for my studies. And I did as he told me to, I used it A LOT for many purposes: School, digital-art, and editing (for fun). It was going well until he destroyed it in front of me.

It happened because of an argument that I had with my mom first. I told her politely that I didn't want to eat with her downstairs on the table because I simply felt like I might be uncomfortable to eat with her (there are times when I do feel unsafe around my parents and I hated that feeling). Besides, it was just only meant for lunch and I wanted to study more in my room, by myself, without anyone telling me what to do and stuff. I just simply feel like wanting to be left alone and focus on my work.

However, my mom suddenly got extremely mad at me out of nowhere. She told me that I can't and I asked why not calmly, but she kept yelling at me for it and told me that I'm going to eat with her on the table whether I like it or not. Then a physical fight broke out between us but it ended eventually. I got a huge bruise on my leg from that.

By the time my dad came home from work, he asked me about the fight I had with my mom. I told him that it was no big deal and I just simply wanted to eat alone in my room because I felt safer and peaceful there. But my dad just kept reminding me about the typical "respect your parents" or "don't fight back from your parents" stuff, as usual.

This event happened months ago, so I can't recall all of the details clearly, but back to the topic.

So, at night after washing the dishes, I keep hearing my parents talk about the fight and I basically went back to my room upstairs to avoid all of it. I locked my door and studied and did my thing as usual to distract myself. I was using my tablet. But then, I hear knocking on the door and it was my mom. I didn't want to talk to her at that time, so I ignored her. Then, the knocking became continuous until I heard loud footsteps. My dad banged the door and I could feel myself getting more scared. And I also regretted why I didn't respond to my mom earlier.

I didn't want to talk to the both of them, so I ignored it. I continued trying to study but the door bursted open because of my dad and he grabbed my tablet, which was used by me for studying. He threw it on the floor and my desk multiple times until it was smashed into pieces.

I was scared during the whole thing because of how I treasured that tablet. It reminded me of my possibilities of becoming an artist, how my hardwork paid off, and my relationship of me and my dad. The tablet was like a symbol to me that my parents knew that I have potential (such as academics and art) and they would give me the resources I need to reach my goals, even if we aren't rich.

Seeing that gadget being destroyed by my own eyes because of a small request (caused by feelings of anxiety and unsafety) made me feel like I can't trust my parents anymore.

After my dad broke it, he threatened me to kick me out of the house and that I was ungrateful (after all the hardwork I did at school? for them?).

He even destroyed some of my clothes too and pulled me by the hair. And the rest is history.

After that, I kind of cried almost every single day in my room. Not just because of my tablet, but also because I feel like I can't trust my parents anymore. They are just weird. They would shout at me for a small reason one day and would ask me if I'm fine a few days later without an apology or a hug or just simple words of reassurance. They just make me paranoid at times and what they do make me question myself if I'am any worthy of love or affection or chasing dreams.

Everytime I'm sad, I'd never talk in-depth to them about my other problems because what they say sound like they are dismissing my pain and my feelings. They always ask me why I'm weak, and make me question if I'am ever their child.

I also feel like I'm not even allowed to cry in the house because if I ever show a single tear or have red face or eyes, they would get mad at me and threaten me. To top if all off, I don't even have an older sibling (in fact, no siblings at all) to confide in and I'm constantly in a state of wanting help and attention.

They always tell me that I'm never satisfied, or I'm always ungrateful, or how I'll never be able to make friends.

I hate them for saying that, but they are still my parents. They brought me to this world (but it was never my choice to live), gave me education (and forced me on a path towards medicine), gave me basic needs, and my own room (but still kind of feel it's an unsafe place for me).

I actually attempted SH several times and planned out ways to end my life because I find no purpose for myself. I see myself as a punching bag for them sometimes, my groupmates at school often leave the work to me (even if I was team leader), I don't want to ruin things for my friends even if I wanted to talk to someone or needed help and I feel like no one sees me for "me" (other than my achievements). I'm currently on counselling (in secret) and hopefully that there is progress for my healing journey.

Was I wrong? or do I need help?

Note: I'm now saving up for a new tablet (with most of my money) and I'm trying my best to control my emotions. ^^

I resorted to posting on reddit because no one is available to talk to me right now (I'm still waiting for my session with my counselor) and I want to hear your opinions on this matter. I like having discussions with open minds.