My brother still contacts my sexual abuser. I feel betrayed.

Context: My sexual abuser was my taekwondo and archery coach for my brother and me when we were in highschool. He was like my mentor who was closer to my brother than me. I've known him since I was 13. He started sexually abusing me when I was 16 and 17.

When I told my parents, they stopped all contact with him and pulled my brother and I out from the taekwondo and archery clubs. My brother was only 14 at that time. He did not understand why. My mother explained to him what happened. I couldn't do it. I thought everything was fine until ..

A few months after, I found out my parents allowed him to go out with that guy. I felt shocked and betrayed. I called my mom crying. She apologized and said she did feel guilty about it and won't do it again.

That was 2018

Recently... I had to organize a national taekwondo tournament. And I ran into him. My brother was there to help me with a few stuff. But when I saw that guy, I immediately went to my brother to ask him to accompany me outside the arena. I had a full blown panic attack. My brother was there to witness it. This was the first time I saw that guy and heard his voice. But I was working, so I had to shut down and disassociate. A super power of mine.

Now ... A few months after, I was scrolling through tiktok and I came across that guy's tiktok. He was shaking my brother's hand and handing him his black belt. The betrayal I felt... It truly felt like a knife went through my heart. Even writing this at work is killing me. I cried myself to sleep.

Especially since my brother saw how much this has affected me. He's the only one that knows and saw it... And I don't ever show that side of me.

Now I hate my brother. Because I know, that if roles were reversed, I would *kill* the person who caused him that much pain. I can't look at him and talk to him.

I don't know what to do with this.. anger.