I don’t want to live with meta anymore.

This is my first post here!! Hi everyone!!

So, some background. My partner (V, 25nb) and I (M, 26nb) have been living together for 2+ years now. We moved in together as close friends with a bit of a romantic and sexual history, and over the years we developed into a full blown committed relationship. We have never been mono together but neither of us have been dating much due to life circumstances and polysaturation. Originally they had another partner (P, 23nb), in a long distance relationship. P has never been poly, and never been in any kind of relationship before theirs. Before my partner and I began officially dating there were long term plans in place for the two of them to close the distance after P graduated from college, and have them move in with us. I was never super comfortable with this plan, and did a lot of research and reading to try and prepare us as best as possible for this inevitability, but as I wasn’t V’s partner at the time I felt I had little say in the matter. I still tried to prepare and share what i had learned, and warn V of the potential for issues and strife. We even had P come and stay for a couple months about a year and a half ago, but because V and I weren’t together officially yet, and because they were reconnecting after long distance, they ended up isolating and spent all of that time together and I felt I had no room to ask for closeness with my lover. Which I did ask for, btw, and was rebuffed. My feelings were intense and I felt significantly neglected. I acted out and I had some pretty bad trauma responses to feeling abandoned and having to see/hear my lover being with someone else. Since this time V has apologized and done a lot to help me feel more secure, however for many many months after this visit, P was back to long distance. This made things easier for V and I to repair, because the trigger of P being around and being with V was absent. I got to enjoy the fullness of being with V without any of the anxiety and primal panic.

Something about each of us: I have the most experience with polyamory and am prone to doing the most research and self work to develop my toolkit, however I also have severe relational and sexual trauma and have many times questioned if it’s even possible for me to “pull off” polyamory even though I want it so bad and see it almost as an orientation of sorts. Because of this I am significantly motivated to work on my personal issues so i can have the lifestyle I crave. I am more interested in parallel dynamics because it gives me space from triggers. V is a bit more disorganized and less experienced but is radically pro-polyamory and I adore them for that, and they desire to divest from hierarchy and long for RA. I agree with these sentiments but they are harder to access for me. They are more like goals for me than where I’m at currently. I don’t know much about P’s relationship to polyamory because we are not close and this is their first relationship of any kind ever. (This feels like a red flag to me at times, however I usually feel like issues come up because of my triggers and my inability to emotionally regulate, and tendencies to become codependent. I hate this so much btw. :,( I do not enjoy being this way and want to grow into more healthy practices.)

Essentially, V and P go back to long distance, with a plan to move P in with us in 6-8 months time. Having experienced such a whirlwind when P visited, I am very anxious about this. I try to do everything in my power to advocate for a different dynamic, and if it MUST happen well then let’s institute RADAR and other tactics to help us. V insists that either we all live together or V/P will move out and find their own place together. At this point I am devastated by the ultimatum but I love living with V, so I oblige and hunker down to work on my personal shit. This sucks but I love V and don’t want to lose the home we’ve built together as friends and lovers.

Eventually V and I start dating. And eventually, as planned, P moves in. I thought it would be easier because of the work that I’ve been doing but it is not. V and P share a bedroom, I have to hear them have sex. We get so much less time together and i am distraught by the transition while having to see them being affectionate in front of me constantly. V doesn’t neglect me but god I am struggling. I am in constant primal panic. I am trying so hard but I cannot get enough breathing room to ever really come down from it. Everyone else seems comfortable but I am not. This pains me so much because I know V isn’t a perfect hinge but mostly the issue is with my inability to manage. They do so much to listen to me and provide reassurance and comfort, to meet my needs and communicate. And yet i still struggle. And I knew this was going to happen! I really tried to warn everyone that this wasn’t a good idea, but I would much rather continue to live with V than see them living with their other partner without me. To me that would feel like a demotion, like I am secondary, like we cannot continue to share these beautiful things we’ve created and this lifestyle we have together, like we don’t have room to escalate in the future together. I am suffering and trying to take ownership and work on it but holy crap it is a horrible feeling. Has me wondering if I can even be polyamorous because it sucks so bad.

For independent reasons, eventually P and V break up. They didn’t really know each other as well as they thought they did, being long distance and all. They realize they’re better starting off from scratch and building their friendship first, and if one day they grow into a relationship then so be it. And so it is just V and I again. We share a room together after the breakup and my triggers subside somewhat.

However, in all of this pain and chaos I have decided that at this point in my life I cannot live with my hinge and a meta. I knew it was a terrible idea but I tried it anyways and gave it my all! I gave into trust and gave it my best attempt but I have decided it is not for me, not right now. I cannot live like that again without significant improvement on my end. Also V is so fatigued by living as a hinge for so long and not having their own space. It’s a lot.

Our lease is ending soon and we are deciding whether to continue to all live together. P makes a lot more money than the rest of us and we may actually be able to afford to rent a four bedroom house, so we each would have our own room, and space for a garden and personal space, closer to the city, etc. It sounds like a dream, if not for the caveat that V and P might one day become partners again, as that is on the table for both of them. V and I are in no shape to afford a place for the two of us right now, and we don’t think it’s a healthy decision for us anyway because it could create the conditions for codependency and would mean a lack of privacy. I would be okay with living with V, P, and our other roommate, but I feel like “no living with metas” is a hard boundary for me now. If their relationship escalates I will need to have some serious considerations about staying or leaving.

I understand this whole situation has been intense and chaotic but I feel like we are making steps towards improvement. I was pretty resentful of V for insisting on a dynamic that was poorly planned and ended badly but I also hold responsibility in saying yes to it when I knew better. However, we ARE making strides. V and I have a sort of vessel right now to work on our communication and conflict resolution skills, and I am going to be starting therapy ASAP, I am just working out insurance issues so I can afford mental health treatment. We meet weekly and do RADAR and are doing a lot of reading. Hoping to get a trans and poly friendly therapist and in my city that’s not too unlikely to happen since it is a progressive west coast major city. We both are taking this seriously and plan on being in each others’ lives for a long time, so I’m hopeful??

Anyway, the boundary is this: I will not live with metas at this point in my life. If V and P think they might get back together in the next year, we should not all keep living together. If we decide to move in together and they have feelings and want to pursue a relationship (sexual or romantic), I would ask that either P or I move out, or that they wait until the lease ends to pursue something, and we no longer live together at that juncture. I want to keep living with V so bad but if they really think we shouldn’t all move in together, V and I will have to find our own housing. I don’t think it’s an option for V and P and the other roommate to live together without me, as I would feel very insecure about the two of them living together without me and it would probably create a lot of anxiety in me similar to how it has been while living with P. I will likely rent a room somewhere and my partner V will likely do the same. P and our other roommate might get an apartment together but I will no longer live with V or P. Maybe one day down the line V and I might move into a place of our own or get other roommates, but not right now. We don’t want to become codependent, or more like…worsen our current codependency that we are trying to divest from.

I know this is a lot to share but I always feel polyamorous stories have soooo much backstory to explain the dynamic, lol.

Advice? Responses? I just want to talk this through with people who know what they’re talking about. I’ve put a lot of thought into it but I am still unsure about the practicality of this boundary.

ALSO apologies for the messy past/present tense. This is hard to summarize for me and I’m not the best writer.

TLDR: I don’t want to live with metamours anymore after having bad experiences with it, and I currently live with my partner and ex-meta who could always rejoin the picture as meta again. Considering not living with this person anymore or communicating that my partner cannot escalate their relationship with ex-meta to meta while we all live together, or someone will have to move out. Because it’s my boundary I guess that person would probably be me, which sucks. Is this an okay boundary to have? Help lol