What If I'm Not Enough?

I absolutely do not want to be depressed again. I am alive and I don't have the choice to simply die. I cannot do that to other people in my life. I love them and I would never cause them that suffering.

But life is hard. Its always been hard. Financial issues? Check. All romantic relationships a complete failure? Check. Simply not being able to fit into the capitalist setting of the world? Check. Irritating everyone in my life with my perfectionism and absolutist ways of thinking? Check.

The thing is, I don't even hate myself. I actually really really like myself. But I get tired of my characteristics too. I don't know where all my life instinct comes from, I don't know where all the love and warmth in my heart comes from, most importantly - I don't fucking know where all my hope comes from. What I do know is that I will never let go of hope and optimism. I don't want to. Fuck that. Letting go of hope and optimism is for defeated losers. AND I AM NOT ONE!!!!

But. What if that's not enough? What if the only person who has to go through the subjective nature of my suffering is me? What if this is all meaningless? Will I ever contribute to anything meaningful enough in my life to make all of this running and hustling and fighting for myself worth it? Or, maybe it is worth it because at least I get to chase joy, my one true love, for myself. Maybe its not for others, and its for me. Do you understand?

I guess my question is - even though I am enough. What if life stays this difficult always? What if I'm simply a rat running in an inescapable maze?