Sick of my new habits

I used to be extremely meticulous and perfect, my house would constantly be spotless every day. I’m talking cleaning my house until my hands were raw and you couldn’t find a speck of dirt or a single item out of place every single day. I wouldn’t even allow droplets of water to be left in the sink. My fridge was constantly empty, because I would have a meticulous eating routine that I wouldn’t stray away from. I had to eat the exact same thing every single day no matter what (oatmeal, fruit, tofu, and konjac noodles). I would shower in scorching hot water until my skin was raw and red because I was afraid of being dirty, and I would throw away anything that I thought was dirty (I would go on spending sprees because I was convinced I needed to change x thing, then would throw everything away because I thought it was dirty).

Now I can’t even wake up in the morning for work or eat unless it’s something a family member brought over for me to eat or a liquid. I don’t have the energy to do anything and I’m constantly on autopilot. I barely shower and holy shit my house is a mess, it would probably make you puke rn. Clothes and trash everywhere. The only clean area of the house is my cats area (litter, clean food, and toys) because I can’t bring myself to leave it a mess, and to put her through that. I constantly think abt suicide and I have ropes, chairs, and a list of my passwords so whoever finds me has access to my contacts and insurance if needed. I don’t know why I feel like this, the only thing that feels like helps is overdosing on ibuprofen or getting extremely high. I’m on Wellbutrin but I don’t think it helps