I miss him more than anything

I broke up with my boyfriend a little over a month ago and I regret it so bad. he was my whole world, and he meant everything to me. He was the closest thing I ever had to home after moving from my home country, and I left him. Everyone that I've talked to about it congratulated me, and I tried to laugh along with their jokes about the relationship but none of them were all that funny. I want him back but I also know that it's never going to work between us. We fought constantly and I felt tolerated rather than loved, but when we had our good moments they were so, so good.

I tried sending him a message to try to fully get over him, but it never went through, so I think I'm blocked. I hate this. I try to tell myself that I hate him and that I'm better off without him but I just want to be his favorite girl again. In our last conversation, I told him that he shouldn't contact me again for both our sakes, and I wish I never did. I wish I talked it out with him, rather than just getting frustrated and leaving.

I try to remind myself of all the things he did that upset me, but somehow all the good memories start flooding back instead. I've deleted photos, shoved the things he gave me into a box, gotten rid of the bouquets I kept and dried, blocked him on almost everything, and somehow it isn't enough. I can't get over him. I've been throwing myself into parties and trips and outings with my friends to try and distract myself, but they're always something that reminds me of him. Even simple things like a shoe store or a fancy car dealership, it's like he's haunting me.

I've never had a relationship like this before, and it feels like my heart and my stomach are being throttled by a pair of invisible hands. I'm 17, I really just don't know how to properly get over him. I know he hates me, I know it won't ever work. Am I even allowed to be upset? I'm the one who broke it off.

On the very off chance that he sees this, I'm sorry, I really wish it could've been us. I'll keep mourning the future we had planned with each other. I love you.

To everyone else, thank you for reading, I just want to feel heard.