my mom doesn’t believe me

TW // SA, incest

As the title reads, my mom doesn’t believe me. For context, my brother (let’s call him sam) molested me twice. He did it once when I was twelve. We were asleep on the couch facing opposite each other, his feet in my face and vice versa, and I awoke to him behind me in a spooning position with his hand on my vagina, touching me. I remember removing his hand and going upstairs and locking my door. I never said a word about it. The next day I acted like everything was fine, and I was in that survival mode until the day I moved into college. Even then, I still acted normal around him.

This part I can’t truly remember but I think at eighteen or sixteen (it’s hard recalling because it’s traumatic) i told someone at my church what happened to me and, as they are legally mandated reporters, they called DCFS. When this happened, I was blamed and mom was mad at me for saying anything. DCFS spilled the beans and confronted the thing I never addressed: molestation. But all it was was a slap on the wrist for him. “hey, don’t molest your sister again” and that was it, and, spoiler alert: it didn’t even work because he did in fact molest me again.

During an EMDR session i recall a memory of my other brothers, me, one of my brothers girlfriends, and a family friend sitting in a circle. I think they were trying to poke at me to find out if i had made this up for attention.

Anyways, ten years later as I was twenty two, i had been with the same therapist since I was 19 and I was finally healing from the first molestation. I had finally confronted my brother one night and he sounded so genuine when he told me he was asleep, he didn’t remember doing that either, he woke up when I removed his hand, etc. and for the life of me i wanted to trust him and forgive him and I really tried. so much so that after all these years i finally lowered my guard around him. bad decision. a couple months after that discussion im hanging out with my mom and sam, mom goes upstairs so its me and sam alone together in his room. then, the second molestation happened. he groped my boobs and then pushed me down onto the floor, pulled my pants down, spread my vagina lips apart and compared me to his ex girlfriend (someone he had sex with)

I had froze in the moment as I did the first time, because that’s my fight or flight reaction. When he was done I pulled my pants up and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I went upstairs to my husband (who had been asleep in my room when this occurred) and woke up and told him the entire story.

I told my mom during july of 2023 what happened. it was a mix of blaming me, threatening to cut me off, and screaming at me that now she has to confront that there’s something wrong with him. but at least she believed me when I told her then.

My husband and I are abroad between another country and the US as he has a school program happening there, and we have just recently flown back in.

I was having a night with mom and sam again, drinking (i know, my fault for drinking with them but we are lowkey a family of alcoholics) and sam started pestering me “why doesn’t fred (my husband) like me?” and i blurted out “because you molested me twice” and mom and sam blew up. they tried to convince me that sam and i were both drunk and can’t recall what happened and i just don’t remember and etc.

side note: i find it very interesting sam uses the wording of “i don’t remember doing that” and not straight out denying that he ever did. i think he remembers and wants to gaslight me by using the alcohol as an excuse.

anyways, after that just recently i was with mom and sam again, drinking again, and my mother brought it up. she had us cheers to a shot to “getting along and not causing drama” because sam had said something along the lines of “i can’t drink with you because you make shit up” and mom has turned to him and said that she doesn’t believe me. i hadn’t even brought up the topic.

so, this week i have a trip with mom to see my grandma and brother and brother in law (they live out of state) and i had called them to let them know that IF mom does bring up the situation, to defend me and protect me. they agreed and we went on to have a good conversation. after we hung up an hour goes by and then i get texts from my mom exploding at me, blaming me, saying i’m making shit up, etc. and i’m no longer allowed to come on the trip. this all happened i think labor day, so monday.

anyways that’s what ive been dealing with. my heart is shattered. idk why she refuses to believe me, but i get it i guess. sam is the golden child and im the scapegoat. everything has always been my fault.

thanks for reading if you got this far.