my boyfriend violated the only boundary i ever gave him

this happened 4 days ago. quick backstory: 23f 26m. we’ve been together a year and a half, known each other for two. before we even started having sex i made it extremely clear that he could never finish in me, and if he did then we would never be having sex again. i was in birth control in high school and my body reacted extremely poorly to it and i will never go on it again. he told me that he was perfectly fine with being responsible for the birth control aspect. it’s not even about getting pregnant, i just don’t like the way it feels, physically and all the other ways. he also recently started a new job where he travels for work.

when he got back to the house from work i was already there waiting for him (i’ve been saying at his place for the past couple weeks just to see him more since he’s been working more). i was in the kitchen making dinner for the both of us like i always did since he started traveling (candles, flowers, music, etc.). he didn’t even say hi to me he just came onto me the second he saw me like i was a piece of meat. i thought he was being sweet, like there’s nothing wrong with a kiss hello but it wasn’t that. he was being really aggressive and we hadn’t even been kissing for 10 seconds before he flipped me around really harshly and pulled my pants down.

i’m not going into detail but it was so aggressive and rough and at one point he slammed my face down into the kitchen counter and held my head there. i was so shocked by him being so aggressive because he’s never ever like this ever (he’s a really nerdy skinny guy, his apartment looks like a library, he’s not ever “dominant” in bed and i’m pretty sure he was a virgin before i met him, just to give an idea), that i didn’t even ask if he was wearing protection. i literally couldn’t say anything because i didn’t even know what was happening until it was over. i obviously felt that he finished in me and i turned around and asked him if he did and he just looked at me. i was still pretty freaked out and kinda scared honestly i walked away from him to the bathroom to try and compose and clean myself. i didn’t want to be at his place anymore and i also wanted to go pick up a plan b from the drug store asap. when i was leaving he kept apologizing and saying he was sorry and he’s just tired and he just missed me and all this stuff and kept begging me not to leave and to hear him out and all this stuff and i was crying at this point because i was still confused on what just happened. he was literally standing at the door blocking me from leaving saying he was sorry and he didn’t mean to and all this.

i ended up leaving and taking care of my stuff but i haven’t been back there or spoken to him since. he’s calling and texting me every second of the day saying he’s sorry. and i hate that i really do believe he’s sorry. he’s the sweetest person ever and he’s never aggressive or anything like he just was and i’m just so hurt by everything. i literally gave him ONE single boundary and the rest was free game and he couldn’t even do that. and it’s not even like he “didn’t understand” because i physically could not have made it more clear that i am not okay with him finishing inside me. not only that but i spent all this time setting up a cute dinner “date” for us since we hadn’t seen each other in a couple days and didn’t even get to finish it. i don’t even know if i want to reply to him ever because i still feel so disgusting and violated. i just feel really bad for ignoring him because i really do believe that he’s sorry but i feel like i shouldn’t and the thought of seeing him again makes me feel queasy.

UPDATE:

not much has happened since i posted this but i thought i’d update. the day after i made the post, he came back to my place (i was expecting this to happen way sooner). it went to knocking to calling my name to banging and kicking on the door yelling. i didn’t answer for obvious reasons and he didn’t leave for like 30 minutes. after he left i went to go stay at my friends place and i’m still there now. he’s had a completely personality change in the last week or so. i know that i should be staying away from him now that i realize what happened, but there’s a history of mental illness in his family and i’m really worried that something is going on with him.

as for reporting him, that can’t happen. his brother works very high up in our city’s law enforcement. if nothing happens (which would probably be the way it would go), i would look so terrible i would have to leave the entire state if i didn’t want to receive dirty looks for the rest of my life. and now that there’s a possibility that he’s having a health issue, it doesn’t feel as bad as it did.

the reason i made the post in the first place is i didn’t know what to call it. i felt so bad being so disgusted by him because, like some people were saying, he only finished in me once in almost two years. i’m able to call it what it is now. i’m still gonna try to get him help because i love him. but after that i won’t see him anymore. i most likely will not update again.