Mental health

Every time that I’ve fallen in a hole I have managed to get out from love and support from God . I honestly just sick of falling in it. But yet here I go hoping and giving my all until I just flatline completely it’s like a switch in my brain that just switches immediately I want out . And I don’t want to fall in it anymore . But it’s almost like it’s apart of what’s right . I just don’t understand anything right now . I’ve been taught what is right and what is wrong and it took me a while to finalize realize . Where to draw the line and be aware . Face up to the real root of the problem or I’ll loose myself in this relationship. Again and again I do this and now I see where my problem lies , wanting for husband to be who I know he is but I feel like it’s not even possible anymore but always yet again just when I think I’ve given up on him I don’t . I forgive there slow progress that falls backwards still I’m here in this fucking hole . I want out of it so bad but I don’t know how I see the rope god has thrown at me now I need to decided if I want to stay in this hole or grab the rope God has given me . As I grab this rope it leads back to doing what’s right by my spouse and my child and God. As I’m going to do my best to grab this rope to get me out I still see the rocks falling and hitting my head . I’m not out yet . This really sucks .