Gave up on my meds

I have severe depression, suicidal ideation, thoughts of sh. I've been on mirtazapine and aripiprazol for several years now and have been going through the ringer trying to get my meds figured out. Raising and lowering the doses, trying other meds to see what works and I've only ever gotten mild relief from my problems. Not to mention I can't afford them. I have been told that I'm treatment resistant as it seems most things either give me adverse effects or do nothing. I hate the way I feel about myself when I'm on them. They make me gain weight, I was sleeping in upwards of 12 hours a day. No strength to exercise. Over the past month I've slowly weened myself off of both medications with no side effects. Since weening myself off I have noticed that I stopped eating so much all the time, I have been steadily getting back into shape as I have more energy now, I sleep a regular 7/8 hours each night and don't wake up or feel exhausted all the time. It has honestly been a terrible ride with these medications and I wish my Dr never prescribed them for me. I do however get more intense emotions, something I didn't miss, but I'd rather rawdog life than be fat and dazed all the time. My Dr doesn't know, i dont plan to tell her, and I am thinking of ghosting her for this terrible experience. Sry for the rant.