4 yrs with ana

(16) (klaus) About Anorexia. Please don't read if you are easily triggered

Been anorexic for a good 4yrs now. I try my best to activitly hide it from my family (they know I have it but don't know how bad it has gotten).

Recently. I have been feeling like I am not "truly anorexic". If that makes sense. I compare myself to others. Analyze their bodies and put it against mine.

Another thing I do is watch mukbangs. Food challenges. Critic videos (like people making fun of fat people). I feel horrible in hindsight for doing this but I can't stop.

I think of it like. Training my brain to like. Be scared of eating. To fear food. To hate it.

I eat werid shit like sauce packets. Butter packets. Sugar packets. There is so much more. But it just gets worse from there

I get lighthead. Dizzy. My head gets all fuzzy. Like cotton is in my head.

I am currently. The last time I checked. 120. I feel like it is not enough. I wanna get down to 80. The number is stuck in my brain

I am snapping at family. Going to drastic lengths to hide it. I am exhusted

I am heavily dependent on caffiene to get me through the day. I pass out at around 8 or 9. Latest 10. Cause I literally have no energy. Yet I am still tired when I wake up. Struggling to stay awake.

I have lied and manipulated my family so heavily. I feel awful. But I am so scared to stop.

I am dependent on anorexia. Due to my anxiety disorder. My meds. Lexapro. Dont do shit. So I think of ana as like "medication" for it. Control.

And I am heavily active too. So like I make sure to burn everything off. Every little cal. Hitting every Thursday. Practice 3 days a week. Gym every other day. Walking and bike riding whenever I can.

What should I do?