I cried a lot tonight. (TW Self Harm)

I’ve been suffering from depression for a long time, and as a guy, it’s especially hard to get help. But it’s been so long that I don’t think I can be helped, I don’t even desire it anymore. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I often imagine myself in scenarios where I get seriously injured by someone else, or feel like hurting myself, and I imagine myself being okay with it, like it’s the only thing left. I haven’t gone that far in the eight to ten years I’ve been like this, but it’s come up in my mind more often than it should. I cried a lot tonight, realizing how truly alone I am. I feel like walking out of the house and never returning. I feel like I don’t have the energy to speak or to move. I don’t even know what to do. Maybe I deserve it.