No contact kinda makes my limerent behaviors worse?

I’ve had limerent tendencies basically as long as I’ve been old enough to have feelings for girls, so I’ve kinda experienced the spectrum of how things can be when I’m parasocially attached to someone who wants nothing to do with me romantically. I’ve stayed friends, I’ve watched them from the sidelines, and most recently I’m experiencing true no contact for the first time. My ex girlfriend, who I dated for about a month in February, has had me blocked on her number and on her Instagram for about 10 months. Because of this, I have had very little contact with her in that time, essentially forcing me into NC despite never being capable of committing to that in the past.

Guys, I really don’t think NC has helped quell my neurotic behaviors when it comes to my limerence. If anything, it has made them worse. Stalking my LO’s social media platforms was not a healthy behavior by any means, but I do think it is a self-soothing one. If she goes out, does something fun without me, or starts dating someone new, it stings a bit but ultimately at least there’s no question marks in my mind. Without that connection to what my LO is doing, I think the idea is supposed to be that I think about her less. However, my brain doesn’t seem to work that way. Instead, I worry about her just as often as I have in the past, but I get no answers as to how her life is going. I have zero idea if she’s dating someone new, if she’s still in school, or even if she’s still alive most of the time. Of course I don’t have the right to know these things if that’s a boundary she sets between her and I, but purely from a selfish, “how do I stop hurting when it comes to my LO” standpoint, this is making me incredibly anxious and depressed every single day. On top of that, I’ve sorta just replaced stalking her primary social media accounts with her smaller ones? She hasn’t blocked me on Snapchat or Letterboxd. She’s way less active on those, but my brain still treats those crumbs with the gravity that it normally would a real relationship. I also think about the pictures I have of the two of us together every night and cry.

Idk, it just kinda feels like I’ve tried everything and there’s no way out. I’m depressed if I am platonic with my LO, I’m depressed if I’m a passive observer of my LO, and I’m depressed if I’m NC with my LO. I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I’m an extremely emotionally driven person and I think I’d be happier if I was just an automaton like some people assume us autistic people are. I would also probably end up hurting many fewer people if I didn’t have emotions.