so, seriously, how do u not kys?

tw for suicide ideation and dysphoria, it’s in the title ig lol

for context, mtf 25 yo and 1y and some months on hrt. i think i’ve run out of energy to continue running in this infernal marathon. it’s not like estrogen didn’t do anything, i did have changes. i’m 5’8, not a super masculine frame but not rly super feminine either, my face is kinda not good and the center of my dysphoria tho, so ig maybe i could pass with ffs (i already do apparently in girlmode kinda).

like, my point is that, even if i have chances of passing, it just feels like it’s not enough. my body will always be a little wider than it should have been, my face more masculine, i still have some beard left after i don’t even know how many laser sessions, i still have too much body hair even if i have quite less than the average cis guy my age, my teens and early 20s wasted and i still have this tumor between my legs. job discrimination, loneliness, the perspective of having any kind of romantic relationship being very bleak, and i will never have biological kids which hurts me a lot. like, what’s the point, seriously?

honestly, i can genuinely cope with the majority of those things. what it kills me, eats me alive from the inside, it’s that idk if i will ever stop seeing a man in the mirror. no matter how many hormones or surgeries, it feels like it will always be that way, like my body is ruined forever, no matter how much i pass. i can’t cope with that. so idk, rly, why shouldn’t i gamble that reincarnation exists and unalive?

before anyone asks, i rly put effort in my transition, seriously. i’m (semi)out and stuff. but everything i do seems pointless because i still see just a guy in the mirror. i have a ffs date but it doesn’t look good, i will probably need to postpone it unless i do some black magic.

ig my question goes especially for the fully transitioned people here, genuinely, how did u stay alive? :(

also, because i see it coming, yeah i frequent 4tran, no i don’t think that’s the problem, i’ve been very dysphoric and depressed much before going into it