Rule of 4

Let me set the scene it’s Tuesday in the Coventry canteen. The lads dig in after the first training session after a win on the weekend, ( I gave them a day off after putting 5 past Watford ). My back up goal keeper Joao Paulo runs off to the bathroom and shits himself repeatedly. You could hear the years of suppressed rage from being a 5’8 goalkeeper, being underestimated for it at every turn, keep him fighting against the arse gravy he was spraying on the pristine porcelain. A fact poor Tilda the cleaner would have to scrape off while in a full hazmat suit it was so cancerous and deadly. All for the wage of a tenner and lunch meal of fresh AstroTurf thanks to the cheapness of our chairman and leader of the mentally challenged, Doug king.

Anyway so Joao goes to the doctor and has the shits due to a bad bout of some king of stomach bug and the flu.I’m not surprised the quality of food Doug buys would make my dog turn his noise up like a hairier Gordon Ramsey, and it’s also winter. This is where the problem arises though Joao went to bed that night and not 36 hours later I get told my backup keeper, Archie Mair, also has the flu, now the second we found out about good old Joao we let him stay home as two goalkeepers is enough to manage fine for the weekend game against Charlton, so as it turns out Archie Mair and Joao live together, I knew Joao had come out as gay 6 months earlier but as it was now painfully obvious that they’d been found out Archie regailled me of how Joao was a meek quiet lad who made Archie’s Scottish sausage tingle in all the right ways. Joao confirmed this saying ‘ the hair on Archie’s back is so thick it’s like being dominated by Bigfoot except the foot isn’t the thing that’s big’. Now as I’m bisexual myself I have no issues with this two lads clearly in a happy healthy relationship is good in my books, I still absolutely bollocked them though as them fooling around the past few nights, Archie giving Joao such accurate backshots he’s probably more accurate then half championships strikers, meant we only made one goalkeeper left. Thankfully it was the ever reliable penalty saving extraordinaire Joao Virginia, who assured me he never would catch the flu in such a manner as true to his family name he must remain a virgin and has his dick chopped off at 18 in solidarity.

So come game day with no goalkeeper on the bench due to my only youth keeper playing a few hours earlier we had to risk it and thankfully Charlton are crap, we dominate early only not leading because it’s Boxing Day and my strikers are hungover to fuck. They then score from their 2nd shot from a corner proceeding to run into Joao Virginia and pinning his arm to the post with such force it made Joao Paulo a bit aroused from his room on the outskirts of Coventry injuring him in the process.

So on comes my 18 year old centre back chosen due to having 19 jumping reach and already given away two handball penalties this year in goal. We proceed to concede 3 more goals after equalising losing 4-1 when the xg was 2.2-1.3 in our favour, and we have 2 more injuries to defenders ending the game with 10 men due to no more substitutes. This coupled with a venmo ping on Doug kings phone at the final whistle has made me very suspicious that the only reason we’re top of the league right now is that Doug king is allowing us to win so he can boost his ego and get the prostitutes that only suck the members of premier league chairmen.

Tldr: Doug king is a wanker always have 4 goalkeepers.