Peterpool Vs. Ronald McDonald (First chapter of my action comedy fanfiction story “Peterpool”)
Premise
Hi, I'm Dave. This is one of the first stories I wrote, in summer 2023, to experiment with my passion for writing that I'm trying to develop. Mostly to give vent to my nerd imagination.
So I warn you that it's a very ignorant short story, but I had a lot of fun writing it. And since I'm Italian I translated it into English, if there are any mistakes I apologize. I know English, but for translations I usually use either Google Translate or something similar.
The protagonist is Peter Wilson/Peterpool, a variant of Deadpool and Peter Griffin. The story is set in a "fruit salad universe" with many characters from many media (such as Roger Rabbit and Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers). And in this case Peterpool clashes with a version of Ronald McDonald inspired by the parody version of the YouTube videos of "Rackaracka".
Then in truth this is only the first of about 12 chapters of my "Peterpool" story, but for now I'm only publishing the first one. If you want the continuation, that's fine with me, although I warn you that it's very ignorant and crazy. But I had a lot of fun writing it.
Of course I'm open to suggestions, advice and constructive criticism. I wrote this story just to have fun, to experiment and give vent to my imagination. But I know I could do better.
End Premese
Near Atlantic City, New Jersey. July 30th, 2023
Everything is going smoothly in a Wendy's Burger joint near Atlantic City, New Jersey. Typical usual routine of a normal American fast food restaurant on the East Coast. Until suddenly the status quo is interrupted by the sudden and abrupt entrance into the joint of four bizarre characters. They are Ronald McDonald and his friends Grimace, Birdie and Hamburglar. Basically old iconic mascots of the rival fast food chain. And what the hell are they doing in a Wendy's joint? Well... Before you even have time to think about this legitimate question, the funny mascots take out some weapons. Ronald is holding a .44 caliber, Birdie a classic gangster machine gun, Grimace a fucking minigun, and finally Hamburglar a damn chainsaw. Ronald, clearly the leader of the group, is the first to shoot at the ceiling. And all the while, in a high-pitched, shrill voice, he yells: “EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND, YOU FUCKING MORONS OF BITCHES! GET THE GODDAMN FUCKING MONEY OUT!”
In just a few seconds, the customers of the place are already terrified and crouching under the tables. While screams and cries infest the atmosphere, the bizarre and dangerous characters approach the cash register. With terrified eyes, the Wendy's staff glimpses the wasted appearance of the four sentient mascots. Ronald seems to be one of the classic clowns who have impersonated the now famous character numerous times, but he had a ruined look that made him mostly similar to a surrogate of the Joker. The other three characters seem to be normal costumes on the surface, but they were partly ruined and full of cracks. Maybe they were just old costumes used by dangerous robbers out of their minds... Or maybe not? The poor cashiers don't have time to metabolize, that Ronald jumps up on the counter and shoots at the ceiling again. Ronald screams again.
"MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS, YOU FUCKING DICKS! PUT ALL THE FUCKING GREENS IN THESE FUCKING BAGS!” Terrified, the cashiers proceed to obey.
“Hehehe!” Hamburglar exclaims.
“Boss! While we’re at it, why don’t we just gobble up all this delicious food for free?” Grimace exclaims.
Ronald roars, “FUCKING NOT! You fucking asshole! We are not like these fucking pussies who chose the worst alternative to our great products! That’s why we’re here! To fuck them! It’s all because of all this shit that we’re in shit! And you MOVE YOUR ASS!”
“Hey, boss!” Birdie exclaims. “Why don’t you put that idiot’s face in the fryer? Maybe his face will become… Less idiot.”
“Finally a fucking good idea! Come here, you fucking shit!” Ronald throws himself over the counter. He gets in front of the poor guy, grabs his head and plunges it into the fryer oil. “THIS IS HOW YOU LEARN TO TAKE UNDERPAID FUCKING JOBS LIKE THIS, YOU GODDAMN FUCKING PUSSIES! OUT WITH YOUR GOLDS!”
As the poor guy screams in pain, some of the customers start running out of the place in terror.
Birdie: “Boss, are we going to shoot them?”
Ronald: “NAH! Fuck them! ARE YOU FINISHED, YOU FUCKING PIECES?!”
Hamburglar: “Here you are, boss, look at all the money they gave us... Heheh.”
Grimace: “Boss, can we eat this guy’s fried face?”
Ronald: “NO! We’re going to fuck off now! Let’s blow this fucking shit up! GET THE BOMB OUT!!!”
Hamburglar proceeds to pull out some dynamite sticks tied together, with an alarm clock embedded in them.
Hamburglar: “Hehehe. This is going to go KA-BOOM!”
The rest of the customers and staff run out in terror. In the meantime, the robbers proceed to shoot and destroy the place, then they run out of the now disastrous place and immediately get into a clown-themed van. In the meantime, the bomb explodes inside the place, causing a lot of smoke to come out.
“RUN, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! TAKE THIS, YOU FUCKING RED BITCH!”
Witnessing all that commotion, a mysterious figure appears above the roof of the place.
Uuuuuu interesting... Isn't it? A crazy Ronald McDonald leading his friends in a dangerous robbery, inside one of the many Wendy's in New Jersey... Holy Crap! You don't see things like this every day, do you? And who is that mysterious figure on the roof of the place?... If not the absolute protagonist of the story? Huh? Heheheheh. Well yes, you are about to witness my entrance on the scene people. And with "Here come the Hotstepper" in the background, the legendary single by Ini Kamoze from 1994. I think it really is perfect for my story. Heheheh.
Now, imagine a series of sequences of details of me in costume getting ready, complete with guns and sabers... Then PAM starts jumping towards the funny van of the bizarre robbers on the fly... And here I am! Yes! It's me, Peterpool! The one and only. Well... More or less... Maybe some of you will ask yourselves "But who the hell are you?!" Well, legit. Okay... In short, imagine a perfect fusion between Deadpool, the famous Marvel character, and Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Or I don't know... Search "Deadpool - Peter Griffin" or "Red Stool" on Google or something like that... Here. It's me! Heheheh!
Welcome to my debut story! Yeeee... Buckle up, turn off your brain at least a little and use lots and lots of suspension of disbelief. And you'll be ready for this super mythical absurd story of mine, of which you only received a small taste before.
Oh, right. I'll just tell you that I'm basically a mercenary, just like Deadpool. And that crazy Ronald McDonald, accompanied by those crazy characters, are my size. Here we go!
As the clown van starts to spin, Peterpool somersaults onto the roof while starting to fire a couple of bullets.
Ronald: “What the fuck is going on???”
Birdie: “I don’t know, boss... Maybe someone’s chasing us.”
Ronald: “Damn, of course some fucking dumbass would be chasing us! We have a fucking price on our fucking heads!”
Hamburglar: “Boss, I think they’re shooting at us from the roof of the van.”
Ronald: “So? We’re going to buy them a drink?! SHOOT THEM THEIR FUCKING PUSSY SHIT!”
The wacky gang shoots at the roof of the van, managing to injure Pete.
Pete: “Damn... They don’t know I have the healing factor. Heheh.”
Pete dives through the windshield, smashing the glass and ending up in the seat next to the driver. As he tries to compose himself from an awkward position, he spots Hamburglar staring at him.
“Hehehe. Boss, we have the intruder here.”
“Hehehehehe. I like you by the way you laugh. Sorry, but now I have to kick your ass.”
Hamburglar pulls out a gun and fires a few shots at him, but Pete snickers.
“Heheheh. Some tickle... But some hurt, damn!”
Peter shoots him in the face, the van almost throws him off track but Pete takes the wheel in time.
“I mean... A kid dressed as a captive scoundrel thief. What kind of second-rate mascot is that?! Hey! Here you are Ronald!”
Ronald’s head had just popped out of the back.
“YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I’LL KICK YOUR STUPID ASS!!!”
“Damn, you have such a fancy for swearing. So that’s the beauty of R-rated movies, along with the liters of blood and spatter? Wow... This van is really cool though! It’s that special vehicle from GTA Online. If all four of you die, can I please keep it?”
Ronald starts shooting Pete a bunch, then rushes in front of him and tries to strangle him.
“Coff… You’re like that crazy guy on YouTube who makes super ignorant videos dressed as Ronald McDonald, exactly… But you’re not that bad of a Joker surrogate.”
“YOU SHITTY PUSSY I’LL KILL YOU!”
Pete manages to throw Ronald out of the windshield, Ronald screams from the hood of the car. Pete honks the horn and goes HONK HONK.
“Heheheheheheheheh. You guys are too strong... I’m going to kill your two remaining goons, then I’ll come for you. How’s that okay?”
“YOU PIECE OF SHIT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“Okay. Just don’t move. Here, your feet are stuck here, they’ll hold up for a little while.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
Pete comes in behind him, spotting the two goons.
Birdie: “Oh, no! Boss! Hamburglar! You’ll pay for this! You take care of it, Grimace!”
Grimace: “I’m going to spank your butt now.”
Pete: “Heheheh. Go ahead and try it if you can.”
Pete and Grimace start fighting, punching and kicking each other. Eventually, Grimace manages to hold Pete back, while Birdie opens the back doors of the van.
Birdie: “Come on, Grimace! Smash him!”
Grimace: “I told you I’d hurt your butt. We’ll make great, delicious burgers with what’s left of your butt.”
Pete: “I can’t hate you guys, you’re the cutest muggers I’ve ever met… But I’ll pass.”
Pete manages to kick Grimace, knocking him off balance. He bounces out of the van.
Birdie: “Grimace, no!”
Pete: “Grimace YES!”
Pete lunges at the big purple blob, it skitters across the asphalt as it speeds by beneath them. Grimace leaves a trail of red blood on the asphalt, his mouth making unmistakable gurgles.
Pete: “Sorry Grim… Big stupid purple blob of your name. It’s time to go to sleep.”
Pete uses one of his sabers to stab him in the stomach and disembowel him.
Birdie: “Grimace NOOO!”
Birdie, with unexpected strength, brings the remains of Grimace back to the van, and then kicks Pete. He remains attached to the underside of the van.
Birdie: “He was my friend! You are really bad and ugly! Now Ronald and I will punish you!”
Pete: “UUUUUUUUUU I am really scared... Heheheh.”
Birdie throws herself at Pete, they both fall on the road. While Pete is on the ground, Birdie gets up on top of him.
Birdie: “Even if your butt is bad and ugly, we will still make lots of beautiful and delicious hamburgers!”
Pete: “I would also be curious to try them, if I didn't know that it's my stuff. Especially my behind.”
Birdie: “Now you...”
Birdie is hit by a car. Pete gets up and goes towards her.
Pete: “Typical idiotic hench, in short. She gets knocked out by a 2007 Nissan Qashqai. Stuff that would make the haters of the last two Thor films by Taika Waititi cringing. In my opinion, they are too good and underrated. And to think that you were my favorite of Ronald's friends. Too bad... Say hello to your friends, my dear Birdie.”
Pete shoots Birdie several times, killing her too.
“Damn... Now that I think about it, I smelled something while I was slaughtering the fat purple guy... What if... No, it can't be... Or can it?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
I didn't even have time to finish those thoughts, and Ronald comes running back with the van. Smashing Pete on the hood.
“Off... And to think that I tried a couple of times to squash my belly to see if it was a valid alternative method to make me lose weight... Hey, how's it going Ronnie?”
“PIECEOFSHITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
“Sorry for killing all your friends. But by now they were under your strong negative influence as a typical psychopathic American clown from creepypastas.”
“SHUUUUT THE FUUUUCK UUUUUP!”
The van, under the reckless driving of the psychopathic clown, eventually ends up off the road. It starts to overturn and ends up against a tree.
“Typical... He's so confused that he hits himself.”
But despite the overturned and crashed van, Ronald gets out of it and gets up. More pissed than ever. He pulls out a grenade launcher and shoots him, sending him flying several meters. When he gets closer to Pete, he notices his powerful garrison factor. Despite the serious bloody wounds he inflicted, it regenerates.
“Holy... Crap! Dude, at least warn me before using weapons like that. It really sucks when you do it too suddenly.”
“YOU!... You could be a fucking gold mine for me!”
“Oh, no! Wait! I know what's going on in your sick mind... Your little friends were already pissed off with my damn “butt”, now you with that really ambiguous look...”
“Your goddamn fucking ass is going to be a great lifetime supply of great burgers! Finally, no one will stop Ronald McDonald! HAHAHAH!”
“There... You've fallen into the classic mania of conquering the usual evil villains of the movies. I mean... It's also a good performance yours. But you know... It's already seen stuff, after all. Even if in fact, thinking about it, McDonald's has really dropped in quality lately. No more cool surprises in happy meals, too salty and skimpy fries, horrible mayonnaise... And then what the hell do those single slices of pickle in one-dollar sandwiches mean?! I believe that there are people who prefer Burger King, KFC... And Wendy's in fact.”
“SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING PUSSY PIE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO...”
Ronald fires another shot from the grenade launcher, but this time Pete parries it with one of his sabers and blasts it away.
“Heheheh. Nice try, Ronald.”
Ronald lunges at Pete, punching him like crazy. But he punches him back. Pete kicks Ronald in the balls.
“AAAAAAAAAAAA YOU FUCKING PUSSY”
“No, you’re the pussy here now. Heheheh.”
“SHUT UP!”
Pete shoots him in the face... But he’s still standing.
“Holy crap...! All right, let’s get this over with. So I can finally collect your... Juicy bounty. Heheheh.”
Pete stabs Ronald with his katana... But Ronald is still standing.
“IS THAT ALL YOU SON OF A BITCH?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
“Goddamn, what the hell did you put in your body? I can believe you look like shitty.”
Ronald shoots Pete over and over again, but he remains standing too.
“Okay, you asked for it... Here’s my last move...”
Pete throws something to Ronald, who picks it up and stands still for a few seconds. It’s an old McDonald’s surprise.
“You remember “Happy”, right? Like the bad copy of the Minions. And the Rabbids. The ones that replaced you and your ridiculous friends. And like I was telling you, now they only make surprises with cards. You know... To make your company seem more eco-friendly. The same one that was thoroughly disgraced by the excellent movie “The Founder”, the one with Michael Keaton. After seeing that movie, you lose the desire to go to McDonald’s. And if they took you out, it's also because of the current trend of killer clowns. Have you seen It – Chapter One and Two? Here. You're Old Stuff Ronald, sorry.”
“LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR”
Pete shoots Ronald in the face, making him fall against a tree. Then he gets closer to it and puts a landmine in his mouth.
“What do you say... Maybe this will be... A nice BOOM for your actions? No? Heheheh. Bye bye Ronald!”
After staring at him with terrified and pissed off eyes, Ronald's head explodes.
“Hasta la vista, Ronald McDonald... Heheh. Wait... That was one of those “dead or alive” bounties, right? Damn... I hope so.”
Pete heads toward the van, dragging what remains of Ronald McDonald.
“Cool! Now I have a new van for free, and I love that colorful design. I don’t think anyone will want a vehicle like that back. Now I have to flip it over again. If I worked out more these past few months I might have given it a half-hearted try, but I have these really cool impulse gadgets. The technology in GTA V is really cool.”
Pete places one of the impulse gadgets on the ground, which manages to make the vehicle jump and right itself. While Pete proceeds to put Ronald’s body in the back, he also finds Grimace’s.
“Holy crap! Maybe I should track down the duck’s body too. Before they talk shit to me just to lower my bounty. Wait, that smells... Wow! That's so good! It's cooked meat! And there's barbecue sauce in there too! This is officially the best corpse I've ever found! Grimace, you're coming home with me tonight. You'll be my free food supply. You know what? Let's start calling Wendy's. Hehehe... There's nothing better than bringing a bounty to a girl you like. Wendy will finally want to go out with me after I bring him the head of one of his biggest enemies... I mean... Oh my god. What's left of his head, basically.”
Several minutes later, a helicopter lands next to the van on the street. Out of it steps none other than Wendy, the mascot of Wendy's Burger.
“Hi Wendy! I'm so glad to see you! Here you go! All yours. In fact... Do you mind if I keep the purple one? You know how it is... There's a friend of mine who's college assignment is to dissect one of the many bizarre characters in the multiverse... Ronald is all yours. Or rather, what's left of him. I just couldn't resist putting a mine in his mouth... But it was too much fun and bloody. You should have seen his look just before it exploded..."
"Yes, excellent work... Peter... What was your name?"
"Peter Wilson. But I officially use "Peterpool" as my stage name."
"Aah... Yes. Because you're kind of related to Deadpool, the one from Marvel."
"Yeah, more or less. I have about the same powers as him."
"Anyway, yeah, you can keep those squiggles. McDonald's is obviously mine. If you give us your bank account now, we'll give you the agreed-upon sum of $50,000. You’ll also get a dozen free meal coupons at any of the Wendy’s locations in the United States… And a bonus code for my OnlyFans profile.”
“Wow… So maybe you like me a little?”
“Yes, maybe quite a bit...”
“Maybe one day, I don't know... We can meet up. Obviously at one of your Wendy's locations.”
“We'll see... Maybe it can be done... I'm still very busy at my headquarters in Dublin, Ohio. Maybe if you come by one day... We'll see.”
“Great! I can't wait... Oh, right. Here it is. I always carry a note with my stuff from the bank and the bureaucracy that I never remember... I mean, I'm telling you just because you're my friend... And precisely because you have to pay me and all that stuff.”
“Perfect. See you soon.”
“Bye Wendy!”
After Wendy gets on the helicopter, along with her bodyguards who carried Ronald McDonald's body over, the helicopter takes off again.
“That's cool... Finally a size that isn't halved. And a step forward with the girl I like. What a day guys... The smell of that strange corpse is killing me, I'm going home right now."
Well yes. Luckily that had been a relatively good day. Considering that in the week before I had barely collected 30,000 dollars by taking out other second-rate criminals and other crazy mascots. Oh, right. Maybe some of you are also wondering things like "but how does that overweight character move so fast, as if he were like twenty kilos lighter?" Simple. I am like hippos. You know them, right? Apparently big and harmless, but in reality underwater they are really graceful and light. And above all unexpectedly dangerous. How do I know? Simple. Lots of children's programs and various documentaries.
But maybe you are also wondering... "How did he get such super powers? What is his origin story? I'll tell you, it's much less complicated than you think. Well, I'll make it short: basically I come from a universe that (coincidentally) is a sort of fusion between one of the many Marvel universes and those of The Family Guy. Imagine Quahog, Rhode Island, but in a Marvel universe. Here. I'm basically a young version of Peter Griffin (or rather, Peter Wilson), who one day just happened to get powers, gene x and all that bullshit. And that was it. I was like "wow, that's cool! Now I'm going to put on a fucking costume and go fight some scum" and that's it. That's me. And how the hell did I end up here? Why the hell were those characters there? You might also be wondering. Well... We'll get to that... \wink**
END (of the Chapter 1)