Groomed. Currently married. Am I waking up too late?

Content warning: sexual assault relating to a minor is mentioned

Edit: Thank you all for the incredible support. I don’t think I’m handling this realization very well, and sharing here to seek help has sent me spiraling. I think I’m going to turn off notifications for a while. I’m starting to feel paranoid that people might be able to identify me from my post. I’m not sure if it’s just paranoia or if there’s some merit to it. Either way, I need to stop dwelling on this so I can regain some clarity.

Original post: I can’t believe I’m in this situation. I put myself here.

A little background: my mother and her entire family joined the church when she was 15 in Taiwan. She even served as a missionary in Taipei in the late ’70s. Over time, most of the family became inactive in the church.

Her family eventually migrated to Texas. My mother became a sex worker and met my father, who was Catholic. They put my older sister and me through private Catholic schools.

As a biracial girl (Whasian, as some would call it), I had a hard time identifying with my culture. When my mother retired from the strip club at 55 due to health issues—primarily mental health—she rediscovered the church. She firmly believed the Holy Spirit would save her. At the time, I was 11, and my sister was 22. My father, sister, and I were all baptized as Mormons.

Six months later, my sister graduated from an Ivy League college in Georgia and married a returned missionary. My parents were ecstatic.

When I was 13, I met my current husband in an online chatroom. He had recently returned from his mission and had dropped out of BYU-Idaho to move back to California. My parents brought me to meet him for the first time when I was 15. Not long after, they helped him move to Texas. After retiring from stripping, my mother had invested her money in real estate. They housed my husband in one of their properties and gave him a job. The day I turned 18, he proposed. As soon as I graduated high school, we got married.

Looking back, I thought I had the perfect life. I was on track for everything. My husband moved to Utah with me while I finished pre-med at BYU. Then we moved back to Texas while I prepared for medical school.

I recently turned 25, and they say your brain fully develops at this age. Suddenly, everything—or maybe nothing—makes sense. It’s not a bad life, but it doesn’t feel right. I’m starting to doubt my choices, my life, and the church.

At a recent family function, my cousin came up in conversation. His mother (my mom’s sister), his sister, and he had moved to America in the late 2000s. His mother rejoined the church, hoping her children could attend BYU for cheap. His sister ended up at a state university because she’s secretly gay. Ping, my cousin, couldn’t even finish junior college ESL.

At 26, Ping’s mother decided he should serve a mission. At the time, Ping had a girlfriend in the Chinese ward. I assumed she was around his age, but no—she was 16. When Ping went on his mission to the East Coast, she confessed to the bishop that they had been sexually active. His mission president was notified, and Ping confessed as well. She was 16. The age of consent in Texas is 17, and Ping was 10 years older.

Apparently, a lot of higher-ups in the church got involved. In their letters, they told Ping that they had prayed very hard and that Heavenly Father had answered: his girlfriend would be “restored” as a virgin. They told her to forget about everything and promised assistance when she eventually attended BYU.

I’ve been groomed. I’ve been feeling foggy about my whole life, but now I know the word for it: groomed. Just like Ping and his ex-girlfriend. I was 13 when my husband was 22. My parents brought me to meet him in California. They helped him move to Texas to be near me. They allowed me to marry him right out of high school.

My sister was destined to be a doctor. Ivy League pre-med. But because of the church, she rushed into marriage and had children instead.

I’m fortunate that, at 25, I’m not yet pregnant. But this isn’t the life I want. It’s terrifying. Everyone around me seems brainwashed. I reached out to my cousin, who cut everyone off. As far as I know, she’s an ex-Mormon now. The last time I saw her was at my wedding reception seven years ago. She told me she doesn’t want to get involved.

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I feel like my entire life has been a lie, and I’m too far in to get out.