My love/hate relationship with MDMA

My wife and I used to do it like crazy. Don't know how we didn't die. Few occasions I did it every day for 2 weeks. I found I was always craving more and more dopamine every time I popped. First it was sex and jerking off, then i started to drive around at night high, racing my car around the city with the music blasting, then found that gambling while high is even more exciting... finally hit rock bottom after 2 years of constant usage (2-3 times a week). Lost all my money on molly and gambling. My wife ended up in rehab. I sold everything I could to keep buying molly. It got to the point where I needed molly to even function. I'd pop a half gram and go to the grocery store to get groceries. It felt impossible to quit. The withdrawals were horrible. I was doing around 1.5 grams each time I would pop. Some months we'd finish a whole oz of molly between the two of us. I then found GHB, and realized it mixes extremely well with MDMA. I was trashed every day for 2 years. I would go to family dinners, birthday parties, hang out with friends... no one knew other than my wife.

I had no idea at the time that was such a high dose, and that most people would be in the hospital or dead. Anyone I talked to about it had no idea how i could do it. The only conclusion I could come to was that I was on an SSRI the entire time. So I never got serotonin syndrome, depression, or the shitty feeling after doing it. I could just keep going and going. To this day I don't have any damage (that I know of) from it. I also didn't get the crazy euphoria that other people do, but it's enough to feel good and have a good time.

I went all last year and a bit completely sober. It was extremely difficult. EDM music would trigger me so badly, so I could never listen to any of that music. Night time was extremely difficult to resist. Eventually I cracked and have been doing it on and off for a couple months. Keeping it under control at home, and using it in a more therapeutic sense. Sometimes I'll do a bit of molly and then finish it off with some ketamine and listen to uplifting music.

I have bad ADHD, so it's the only time I feel normal and stress free. I can block out the rest of the world and just feel good.

Got my life completely back on track. In the gym almost every day, built my own business, bought a big house.

All in all, a drug can be useful and it can also be the devil if you abuse it. So, don't do what I did and be responsible.