Why me

I think i really need help, or sum1 to talk to. I really feel depressed like my brain wont stop going at it. i haven't had proper sleep for 3 weeks now. i got a point of getting high of off pot, it helped for a while till the paranoia and hallucinations started kicking in. and sometimes i just feel the urge to get more stronger substances to numb the pain cause i hurt real bad and i feel like i'm slowly going insane. things at home really have been fucked and i miss my dad, he died when i was six months. i sometimes wish i'd died with him. my mom says I'm stupid and ungrateful for missing him, but i love my dad. i wish i knew him. now i try to erase every memory of picture of him to stop the pain. i feel proper depressed fr, i'm s;owly fading i feel hurt, angry, broken, unloved, unworthy