I will forever be alone

I’m gonna be alone forever and I’m calling it. Every single one of my friends has someone. My friend just got a girlfriend for the first time and she loves him so much. And I’m so happy for him. I’m happy for all of my friends. But like, when is it my turn. My two friends got together and are so cheesy together it’s funny. But whenever I hang w them I feel like a third wheel even tho they say multiple times I’m not. Now that everybody has someone I’m nothing BUT a third wheel. It sounds selfish I know. I don’t mean too I’m just tired of waiting yknow? And like I rly don’t blame anybody for not wanting me honestly. I’m overweight, definitely not feminine, I’m dumb. Im ugly as shit. I’m always the odd one out yknow. I’m a mess, I’m lazy. I’ve got anger issues, I’m sensitive at the same time though. Like who would want me. And I don’t blame ppl either. I just want to know what it feels like to be loved like that. To share someone’s hoodie. To hug and tell all that’s bothering me to someone. To have someone truly interested in my passions, how my days been and stuff like that. But I’ve convinced myself that it will never happen. And I don’t mean to sound like a miserable prick. I just want to know that someone can love me. I’m fifteen and terrified of growing up, I feel like I’m wasting my childhood. I’m just a big kid at heart, and I’ll probably still do the things I do now when I’m 25. But I’m just scared that like, well you know how people always care about kids more than adults. I feel like once I’m an adult I truly won’t matter more than I already do. If that makes sense. I just already feel so fucking worthless and I fs won’t matter in this world when I’m older. I’m scared eventually everybody will leave me. Cuz that’s what everybody does in my life. They all eventually just turn away and leave me. I had a friend for like 5 years. We were inseparable, but I was really depressed around the time she left. But while we were friends she cared about me. Stayed up late w me talking, let me vent anytime. Sometimes even stayed up to make sure I went to sleep. She comforted me, made sure I ate. One night I was doing rly bad. She called and asked me if I had ever hurt myself like that before. When she realized she made me promise not to ever do it again. I still keep that promise but it gets hard. But She kept me happy. We went to a carnival together and it was the happiest I had been for months. Then she ghosted me. I sent her a long message trying to revive our friendship and she showed it to her friends and now all our mutuals can’t stand me. They think I’m pathetic and laughed at me. I cried every night for weeks nonstop. I looked so sick. So pale. I couldn’t keep my hands still. I just sat there barely even existing. Just a hollow body. I was only like that twice, and she helped me out of the first time. But I felt like I had nobody the second time. I prayed to god a couple times in the last year to just kill me. I’m not rly a hateful person, the only person I truly hate in this world is myself. I got better over the summer but now I feel myself slipping again. I hate how I have no confidence, no self esteem, nothing. I’m all dried out. I feel like I’m slowly deteriorating as a person. And I can’t stop it.