I've made a conscious decision to off myself if I don't succeed

Right now school is going pretty bad, I've gone through many hardships and troubles, I've been getting straight zeros at math and all because of bad luck by getting infamously bad teachers. I hate everything about myself because I feel like I only have talent for useless stuff. I think I'm pretty good with words, learning foreign languages, art and everything expression related.

I'm 18 and I'm already at such a tired state of mind that I can't even seek basic pleasures anymore. I''m a bad student, bad child, bad friend, bad person...

Ever since I was a child I've felt like I was out of place, everyone has everything figured out or at least, can have the luxury of watching the lumbering wheels of their own life spinning so smoothly. Like a uniquely designed machine, twisting and turning with it's appropriate oil.

While I'm out here in my own aimless journey, shooting my pistol everywhere with my eyes covered. Nobody can escape my bullets, do I want them to?

All the time, I'm forced to witness unjust people robbing me, taking everything from me without leaving a single breadcrumb.

I've turned to Christianity because I literally have nothing more convincing than the love of the Lord to turn to. I can't trust people anymore with their fake faces and fragile prattle.

Everyone is just built from clay, you put it to the test and they just crumble every time, while I feel like I am made of iron. But just to remain here as a statue, as a symbol, a beacon of what remains. Is this narcissism? I sure hope not, I am in no position to think like that.

It is not an emotional response, it is only logical. If I fail at school, I can keep trying other side jobs to see if something sticks and makes me feel fulfilled, if nothing works, then this is goodbye.

I can't go out like a coward. Suicide is the conscious, thought out decision. I will let everyone know if I actually reach the point where I've turned to every nation only to be flipped and sentenced to look at their feet, again. The point of no return, the point of no salvation. I start to find this familiar, warm breeze fascinating.

I've disappointed the Lord many times, I just beg Him to have forgiveness for this final one.

I've had a good life.

I was definitely blessed in many aspects, I'm just tired of never dancing with the smiles of the people.

Maybe I should, write a book? Eh, how ironic.