Wife is completely uninterested in pursuing sex, or enticing me.

Hi there. On an alt account as my wife knows my main account.

Sorry for the long post. I’m rambling due to churning emotions.

HL husband (40) here with LL wife (40). Married 11 years.

Wife has what I’d describe as “call it in/get it done, then leave me alone” sex with me. Does not initiate, wants to go on dates and vacations, but not interest in sex besides the basics.

Have realised that my sense of self-worth and self-esteem is degrading with this sense of my wife not want to pursue me, like at all, despite having her (non sexual) needs met.

This has been going on for years, and is getting worse. So much so that I feel she is so intractable to even the idea of expressing sexual interest.

She has said “it’s offensive that I would need to entice you, you should love me for who I am”. It’s like the discussion that there might be a nuanced difference between love and sexual arousal is completely off the table.

When we talk about it (usually after I’ve become so low and demoralised) there is a continual “I can’t be interested/playful without an emotional connection”, but basically a never-ending litany of things I need to do/change to ‘create connection’. Yet no attempt or commitment to try to be more playful with me.

Any feedback (in & out of therapy) usually comes back to “I need help with chores”, “I carry all the mental load” and “I can’t connect with <husband> because he’s angry” (any emotion a man has that isn’t laughter is classed as “angry”). It is ok for her to be angry/frustrated, however.

I have listened patiently, and years ago made adjustments to the above:

  • I carry near 50:50 chore load (we have housekeepers come every 2nd week)
  • I cook & prep and clean up for more than 50% of the meals (some weeks it’s 60:40, others it’s 40:60 as we both work)
  • I’ve listened to her pains, sorrows, happiness, anxieties.
  • Listen to her social group frustrations, dramas and concerns, and recently I’m cheering her on with finding a good friend group (which she’s happy with!)
  • I’ve been there for her to consult, support, reassure and coach a new exercise hobby of running.
  • I have become so hesitant to express pain, sorrow, sadness, frustration simply to avoid the “angry” label. This also has the effect of being seen as “emotionally distant/cold”.

We have 2 kids, so I’m also shuttling 50% of the school trips, sports games, school lunches, help with homework, attending school events (hard due to both of our schedules) and creating plenty of space for her to recharge with friends for evenings out etc.

I also balance a well paid, respected job that allows us to live well, and spend our summers away. She works too, and earns well. Our earning are 60:40. Combined income in the “holy f*ck” range.

My point on all of the above is I try so hard to respond to her needs, but she comes back to “I’m not connected with you”.

Nothing moves the needle. Nothing.

She says she loves me. She says she’s attracted to me. But doesn’t do anything about it.

I’m worried that, frankly, she has a mindset that trying to entice her husband is somehow offensive and “only a sex worker needs to hustle like that” (her words not mine, when I gently asked if she’d consider lingerie).

At this point I’m so low, hurt, and faced with such a level of resistance and lack of clarity from her on what is gonna change that I’m stuck.

So there it is. What advice/guidance/words might you all have on this one.

When responding please bear in mind I am deeply in love with my wife, this woman that is one in a million so please don’t jump to insults. I am incredibly hurt and low right now, so be gentle.