CMV: For straight married couples, you shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex.
I've made a few comments on Reddit previously that get downvoted a lot because of my position on this. That makes me believe that maybe I should change my position.
When you're a straight individual and are married, you should not have friends of the opposite sex. The number one reason for my position on this is affairs. Time and time again, people fall into affairs because there's a small fracture in their marriage and a friend fills the void. It usually starts innocent enough - meaning, people don't plan to have the affair. It's simply a friendship. But for a few of reasons, it turns into something more.
- You trust the friend. This often leads to sharing private information about your marriage with them and often leads to asking for advice about your marriage. This begins the slippery slope of bonding over a situation where the friend genuinely wants to help you, and you need their emotional support.
- The friend likely knows or has met your spouse. Similar to the point above, this is comforting for you because the friend will better understand the problems you are having in your marriage because they are familiar with your spouse.
- Your spouse is comfortable with you talking to this person already. This allows communication to happen 'in plain sight', because the foundation has been laid that you and the friend are allowed to communicate, with or without the spouse present. Even when communications become 'more than friendly', you feel less guilt because your spouse knows that you're 'just friends' with this person. It reinforces the justifications you are already having to make about the emotional connection you share with this friend that has gone beyond that of a friendship.
- The negative information you're giving the friend about your spouse encourages the friend to do/say the opposite of your spouse, making them appear better suited for you and you start to compare your friend and the spouse with each other. I'm not sure if there's a technical name for this phenomenon, but in short, you're giving the friend a cheat code for how to be a better partner for you than your spouse. For instance, you say, "Every time I try to talk to my spouse, he hijacks my story and makes it about himself and never tells me he understands." The friend promptly responds with "I understand, that must be really hard for you." Now, it's a great response by the friend, but also an opportunity to continue to drive a wedge between you and your spouse with the information that you provided. The friend feels needed and appreciated, you feel understand and heard, and again - the relationship continues to develop into something far beyond a friendship. This isn't based on a real connection, but rather opportunistic behaviors by the friend who is now attached and leverages the information you've provided them to develop a deeper connection with you.
- The relationship with the friend is easier to maintain that the marriage; no bills/money to argue over, no children to interfere - just an emotional connection that may develop into something sexual over time. As mentioned in the previous point, nothing about this is more 'real' than your marriage - in fact, it's everything but. But your once friend now has a halo on and you're fantasizing about running away together to escape your marriage problems with the person you made your vows to.
The above points show why this happens even when you didn't plan on it, and why it continues even after you realize it's happening. Being friends with the opposite sex during a marriage may be well intended but often ends up as something more than you planned.
Change my view that straight couples shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex.