My dad is disappointed

tagged NSFW because this has trggers for sicide and medical abse*

To preface, I’ve been sick for 16 years. I’m 24.

I’ve had endometriosis since I was 8 years old and worked so hard in treatments for it.

Then I got interstital cystitis and severe pelvic floor dysfunction at 17 and worked even HARDER with treatments, uprooting all my life habits to manage it, despite being wheelchair bound from it for a good while.

When M.E came into my life last year after mono, it was so severe that it’s physically and emotionally traumatized me past the point of recovery. With how damaged my body was before developing it, and how hard it hit me and losing everyone and everything I worked for….I don’t want to fight it beyond this year.

I tried going to the hospital about it at first, but they kept sending me home and telling me not to return despite my intense neurological symptoms, and just put me in psych ward when it all got really bad. The sensory overload from back then still haunts me. I was really severe back then. Nobody knew what was going on. My mom and boyfriend at the time said it was anxiety. My doctors said it was somatic delusions.

It’s been almost a year since then and I’ve seen many other doctors and….I don’t want to do it anymore. I know that’s selfish, but I don’t want anymore treatments. We only have 1 M.E clinic in my province, and it doesn’t look very promising. What’s more, I’d have to see a functional medicine doctor for things like low dose ability or naltrexone, which is expensive. I couldn’t even get a prescription for Ativan from my GP…she thought I was crazy for asking for it.

Today, my referrals for lung testing and rheumatology called for more testing. What’s the point? I won’t live much longer voluntarily, and my medical team already has me down as a problematic, delusional woman. I’ve tried therapy and it’s the same spiel. It’s been 16 years….cant I just live my last little while in peace? Those tests hurt, and I crash so much after.

My dad said he’s disappointed in me…and that I’m making a mistake not going through more testing after a year of testing. That my choices impact everyone. I feel like a burden, but I can’t go through this anymore. I’m so tired. It hurts so much and I’ve asked for help so often just to be told I made it all up.

Why do cancer patients get to deny chemo, but I can’t choose when enough is enough? Why am I a bad, selfish person for wanting to cut my losses here? It’s like those 16 years and three different diseases didn’t matter, but haven’t I given enough?