It's odd - there are people that don't know we don't exist

An old friend called me up last night, just to talk. We did as friends do, swapping stories, and I shared some perspective I'd read here to reconstitute his faith over some such. He treated it like gospel wisdom, and told me I was wise - that I had a unique perspective, and he theorized for a minute that I probably had my own separate life and community, just devoted to cancer.

This friend is not a genius, nor is he rich, but he's perceptive and a good listener, so I explained it to him. Explained that he was right - cancer patients are in on a big secret. In forums and message boards, we exist and we walk. We have our own sort of code and values, our own unique perspective.

It occurred to me that even our loved ones don't know this. They talk to me - but not in the way people with cancer do. They can't. Online and in real life, there's a disconnect between myself and them that isn't there with other people who have fought cancer. Maybe it's about facing mortality or just knowing the unending boredom of a long chemo infusion (I just got finished with a 5 day stay that turned into a 7 day stay after a bad reaction) but there truly is a secret society of the dead and dying that walks, unseen amongst the living.

It doesn't mean much, really. You just wish that some of the people who don't get it- friends, family - could get it, in the same way other patients do. You push those thoughts away though, because really, you're glad that they can't. To know is to know, and knowing is a curse.

I don't have much a point. Just that I'm glad we have each other, but I'm sorry that even one of us has the curse of knowing.

Here's to surviving.