I need a pep talk

I have stage 3 breast cancer. Two young kids. Holidays are so hard as a mom to begin with- but worrying every time it will be your last is if 1000 times harder. I resent and envy the other moms my age who aren't going through this. Life had already been unkind to me before this diagnosis. Kids are tough and constantly fighting. Work is so tough. No one will give me life insurance. I worry about my poor sweet kids and their futures without a mom and without a second salary. I'm fucking angry my diagnosis was missed for 8 month and even angrier at myself that I ignored what I thought was mastitis but was actually LCIS (probably). I'm angry for myself but angry for my kids because they deserve so much better. My marriage is a disaster- and I think all the time we'd be better off moving on now so the kids can have a step mom and a stable home when I die. I contemplate killing myaelf now so at least I die at an age when my three year old won't really remember me and maybe he won't be as affected by it compared to if I died when my kids are 8 and 13. I want someone to give me space, my husband to hold me and tell me He's proud of me and loves me, but instead the kids are just always asking for things, needing me, taking advantage of me and my husband and I are just always constantly fighting.

I want to live but I also just want out. I'm so fucking angry I have a hard time enjoying the moment when my day is just constantly doing things for other people, work, wiping asses. Making food, etc.

I need a pep talk.