Struggling with the decision to have an “us” baby.

My (34f) boyfriend (36m) and I have been together for 1.5 years, but we’ve been friends for 15+ years. We had a long history of bad timing, one of us being romantically interested but the other not etc. We ended up having kids with former partners who we were not compatible with (my son, 5 and his daughter 4) Long story short we finally decided to start a romantic relationship and it has been the most healthy, secure, loving, healing relationship I’ve ever been in. Our kids get along great with each other and with both of us, we are in the process of navigating moving in together to start our blended family.

When we first got into our relationship we both agreed no more kids. Being single parents is hard, babies/kids are a lot, and while we both love our kids neither of them were planned. We really enjoy our kid free time (we share custody) and financially we can’t really afford another baby. We also worry about our kids feeling left out/on the outside if we have an “us” baby.

But when we talked about my bf getting snipped I got really, really sad. Lots of tears and heartbreak that I did not anticipate. The feeling of there being a 100% chance of no baby with him crushed me, but I don’t really understand why. I guess part of me does wish that we had kids together, not with other people. Neither of us had the experience of becoming parents that we wanted, as our former partners were toxic and distant. Maybe part of me feels like this is a chance to do it right, to have the experience we both wanted…but 3 kids? In this economy? It would be a struggle. My bf is an amazing Dad and bonus Dad, and an incredible partner to me. I love him and our little blended family so much, but I feel so torn. Has anyone else ever felt this way? How do I navigate these conflicting feelings?

TLDR: I am struggling to accept not having a baby with my bf, even though part of me doesn’t want to and we agreed no more kids.

**EDIT: Thank you SO much to everyone who took the time to reply. It’s been so comforting feeling like I’m not alone in this struggle. Hearing stories of people who did and didn’t have an us baby has given me different perspectives and lots to think about. At the end of the day this decision doesn’t need to be made today and I am going to give myself grace and time to think this through :)